we are holding steady.
it indeed took john a full week (plus a few) to get over trick or treating but he seems to be back to 'normal', ...
...hahahahahahaha. the suggestion of it ('normal') throws me into rolls of laughter, surrounds me with waves of tears, and leads me to occassionally drink. it guides me to moments of clarity intermixed with moments of confusion. i fluctuate between peaceful and enraged. i've learned to revel in the beauty of the here and now while simultaneoulsy cursing at the ugliness of it. i have learned to identify how blessed we are while still being genuinely pissed off every time someone assumes john is healed and well and healthy just b/c time has passed.
january 8, 2008 seems like a lifetime ago.
it (the concept of 'normal' and how it has impacted my family) also tests my faith which, i have to say, is the only area that i have not waivered on. (satan just read that and started making plans i'm sure. whatever. bring it on. us townsons are hearty stock with God on our side who don't shy away from a fight).
'normal'. such a funny, odd, foreign, unrealistic, bend the truth, define it how you like, fluid, lie.
it strikes me, at what point does anger come into the grief equation? i am grieving the loss of the life we had. i will come to acceptance i am sure. and i do not wish to imply that a) this is all about me or i have it worse than john or b) that things couldn't be far worse. tthat is hardly the case. but my recent frequent snarkyness does make me take pause and ask the question, ... at what point does anger come into the grief equation?
i suspect the answer is, ummm, right about now.
k
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