if i shut my eyes and plug my ears maybe it will all go away...

i hate telling you this. i hate typing it. i hate saying it and therefore i have not REALLY said it to anyone (so those who do not read this blog and think that's fine b/c i'll just tell them, ... phooey on them b.c i do not want to talk about it); here goes, ... john is not doing well.

vasculitis spots are back on his arm, leg, eyelid. yes, they vanish before spreading like wildfire but it's still just not good. his numb feet for hours has developed into numb from waist down for days. his blood in the nose mucus is back. he reports weird tingling, ringing, prickley, numbing. he 'looks' different.

i am in the biggest case of denial i think possible. truly. i know this blog is not about me but i need for whoever reads this (all 2 or so of you) to know that when i say i'm fine, i'm not. when i say he's doing ok, he's not. it's not that i'm being difficult. it's that i simply cannot go to that place in my head again right now. i cannot have that conversation with you. the only way i can even bring myself to type this is b/c i know in apx 3 minutes i will be done, i will close the computer up, and i will go back to my happy state of wackadoo denial. i am starting to experience anxiety attacks that i have not had in a very long time and every night for four nights in a row i have had terribly violent, sinister, bad bad dreams (very unlike me).

i'm sure i'm probably over reacting (no i'm not). and i'm sure that all illnesses come and go to some degree and that's to be expected (no i'm not). and i'm certain this is nothing when you look at the big picture and he'll pop back to 'improving' at any moment (no i'm not).
it is a constant battle in my head.

and i see john tryinig not to be scared, or show any fear, or over react, or see the glass as half empty. i see him fight daily for health. i see him eat better and rest when he can. i see him take his wellness seriously for the first time in the 15 yrs i've known him. i see him be so happy to get back to building his business and contribute to the family and care for the kids. i see him take vitamins daily, pray, read about nutrition, try new foods, drink more water.
... and still, when he finds new spots, i see a powerful and undeniable flash of absolute drop dead fear in his eyes. and then, as fast as can be, he pretends that he did not have the flash of fear and i pretend that i did not see it. but i know he had it. and he knows i saw. it breaks my heart.

i cannot talk about that anymore. no no no no no no no.

i just keep hoping that things will level off and go back to 'improving'. 'improving' was such a nice place to be. i am returning there now. you cannot stop me. i cannot hear you.
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.........

please pray. we cannot redo 2008 or worse. this 'not so good turn' needs to turn back. it simply must.
k