"How's John doing anyway?"

out with the old (sick reminders), and in with the new age (literally, an age)

2010-01-17T21:49:00.007-05:00

so this is totally not my place but, ... it seems that i am sick of the 'john's sick stuff' around the house. ...so i threw it all out.

insulin. gone.
instructions on how to read the blood glucose monitor. gone.
blood glucose monitor, musteriously missing and i'm not looking for it.
medical receipts from cleveland clinic. gone.
the freaking green rubbing alcohol he'd have to use before giving himself a shot. gone.
maybe, soon, this blog. ...gone.

'08 was the year of illness and crisis.
'09 was the year of post traumatic stress disorder.
2010 has got to have a different tone.
i'm not 100% sure what that means but i feel a stirring in my soul to figure it out.

they will not say that a vasculitis patient is in remission until they are 'symptom free' for 18 years. EIGHTEEN YEARS. serious.
and, to that end i ask, define 'symptom free'.
does that mean just the spots? just the hospitalizations and lying in fetal position and unable to care for one's self? all the dramatic stuff that people pay attention to?
or does it also mean the little day to day things that are not obvious to the naked eye? the non-stop pain, the swelling, the joint aches? bc if that's what it means, ... then john's 18 years hasn't even started yet.

so, today is john's birthday. he's 39 and it's been a wonderful day.
i overheard him tell his sister today that he was turning 38. i thought he was kidding but when i asked him about it he said, "the year i was sick does not count".
i couldn't agree more. here's to that. cheers and mozeltof!
this fits in perfect with my desire to set a different tone.

so, today is john's 38th birthday. i am suddenly married to a younger man.
oh lala.
k

anniversary

2010-01-07T21:33:00.003-05:00

today is john's 2 year anniversary since getting sick. i know i have not posted lately. i apologize to those of you who check this and pray for john. we truly do appreciate it. he's ok mostly, coming along pretty nicely, and to be honest there is stuff going on in my head that has led me to start thinking that now is almost the time to end this blog.

i'm not going to just wrap up that quick, i think a few more posts to update you on the last 2 months including the trip to the naturopath would be good. but, for the most part, what it boils down to is this:

i am tired of focusing on illness. it is time to focus on health.
i am tired of worrying about parasites. it is time to revel in good theater tickets and fine wine.
i am tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. it is time to learn to polka in the one fabulous shoe that i have on.

not that john is 'healthy', but really it's all relative isn't it?

so, stay tuned for some interesting updates on zappers and parasites and my change in professional direction based on all this. i'm certain it'll be riviting night time reading. ha.

thanks for caring,
k

half full, ... to over flowing

2009-11-11T23:12:00.003-05:00

i could lament about much these days. i have consciously decided not to.

it's amazing what you start to notice when you do that.

-i live in a house where i find a bow (minus the arrow) on my kitchen table, a random package of instant hot cocoa on my bedroom dresser, a violin on my steps, a mini trampoline in the middle of my living room, and fluffy pink slippers on a chair in my dining room.
i do not know why.
i have stopped asking.
but isn't it cool?
they're like tiny little pain in the ass blessings all over my house.
i genuinely think it's fabulous.

-i live in a house that somehow, over the years, has accumulated pictures and pictures and pictures of the 5 of us, framed and hanging or setting everywhere.
it's like little snapshots of love adorned with fancy edges all over my house.
how cool is that?

-i live in a house that rivals the Biblical ark. (we even have an in-house Noah, haha). max the dog, otis the cat, spike the guinea pig, a mystery number of nameless fish (correction: mary name the red one 'rosey') and we apparently have extended our jurisdiction beyond the walls of the house and now have a salt lick in the yard for deer, something small most definately residing in the garage not counting the baby mole we caught there and released at the river, two bird feeders, and peanuts for the squirrels.
it's like my kids are learning compassion for living creatures all day every day.
that is marvelous.

-i live in a house where today mary drew a fanciful work of art on the chalkboard (did i mention i live in a house that has a family chalk board complete with colored chalk at all times?) and as noah was walking by he stopped and, unsolicited, said, "nice picture".
THAT IS HUGE.
i saw mary's heart beam.
i live in a house with sibling love.
(disclosure: they also have been known to threaten to poke eachothers eyes out sometimes too, probably with the missing arrow from the kitchen, but it's all good).

-i live in a house that's dusty.
i know there's gotta be a blessing in there somewhere. i'm holding out faith on that one or i may need to buckle and pick up a dust rag sometime soon. oh, i also want to add that i live in a house where the phone rings but no one seems inclined to pick it up. i'm adding that to the 'there must be a blessing in there somewhere' list before i beat someone's blessed arse.

-i live in a house that last night mary said was, "perfect". that's what she said. and i quote, ...
"ya know, our house is (with arms held up to the sky as in exasperated disbelief) perfect!".
how absolutely wonderful is that?

-i live in a house where somehow, i do not know how, we play musical beds at night. no one, with the exception of isaiah, ever wakes up in the same bed they went to sleep in.
it's a phenomanon.
what pain in the ass exhausted fun.
seriously. i don't know how to change it and by this point i don't think i want to.
heck, we should set up some kind of rules and someone should win a prize.

-i live in a house that's too small for us. we bang into eachother and fight over who's on the toilet too long or used up all the hot water in the shower. mary has no door on her bedroom bc we don't have enough bedrooms so she's been in some random space at the top of the stairs since she was 6 months old. we don't all fit on the couch so someone always gets the crap seat where ya gotta tilt your head to see the tv. it really is too small.
... and it forces us to communicate, see eachother, and fight, and work things out.
how's that song go?
"love grows best in little houses with few walls to seperate where
you eat and sleep so close together you can't help but communicate
and if we had more room between us think of all we'd miss.
love grows best in houses just like this"
...that's us.

my cup runneth over.
amen.
k

"oooh it's shocking! it's electric! boogie woogie woogie!" (the electric slide song)

2009-11-06T16:21:00.006-05:00

so, i'm not sure even how to broach this so i'm just gonna put it out there for all of you to roll your eyes at and wait for the onslaught of emails telling me we are crazy. though, i'd like to formally request, don't bother. i do not have much to say regarding what you do with your spouse in the name of health when he gets almost fatally ill and stays chronically sick and would not dream to comment on it, so please do not comment on what i do with mine. thank you. we now return you to our normal programming.

long story short, we have begun using what we lovingly call, 'the zapper'. it's a small electrical device that has wrist straps (or you can put them on your ankles) that puts a small electrical current into your body with the purpose of 'zapping' critters (primarily parasites). it doesn't hurt and you can leave it on for just a few minutes or up to all night, depending on your health levels and what it is you're trying to accomplish. yes, studies have been done that show efficacy in patients. no, those studies are not FDA approved. wow. stop being such a buzz kill.

hahahahahahaha. get it?! "buzz" kill?! hahahaha. i am so funny i crack me up pretty routinely.

i wore it all night along with john to see what it was like. i don't like him doing stuff w/o me at least at first knowing how it makes a healthy person respond, yet alone a sick one. there are three settings. i kept mine on the lowest but i've noticed that as john gets more comfortable with it and sees that he's not exploding, he has been wearing it at the highest level (which, do not fret, is exceedingly low even at highest).

we both got small blisters around our wrists when we wore it there, a healing crisis that was to be expected, and switched to our ankles where we've had no problem at all. we've been doing this since just after the halloween spots incident, so, about a week i guess. john has also been experiencing fatigue and grumpiness, both are symptoms of a healing crisis. his body needs to work some things out.

i heard about this from a friend of mine who's daughter was diagnosed with a pretty fatal type of cancer and after zapping (and yes, eating well, removing toxic cleaning products, participating in traditional western allopathic medicine along with some eastern medicine) she is in remission. i am not silly enough to believe that any one thing got john sick. i will not be silly enough to think any one thing can get him well. it is like anything in life, it is a mystery, a puzzle, a formula with many variables. it is science and it is art and it is biology and it is faith all in one ball.

the last time we saw the naturopath there was a decrease in parasites based on his supplements and diet changes alone. when we go back at thanksgiving time it will be interesting to see if this has helped at all beyond that.

i know i know, it's crazy. whatever. roll with it. you needn't be concerned unless you catch me slipping it on you as you sleep. until then, sorta not your bees wax. so then why do i share? for the same reason i blog, ... for documentation of a chain of events in case he gets sick again and also for those who know we are crazy already and love us anyway. to those people, this will come as no surprise. townsons try anything at least once.

ZZZZZAP!
k

what spots? i don't see any spots?

2009-10-29T19:33:00.004-04:00

marc anthony woke up sunday morning (after absolutely DANCING THE NIGHT AWAY on saturday night) with spots on his neck, and in pain.

we ignored it.
we are still ignoring it.

the pain has decreased but the spots are still there.

still ignoring.
lalalalalalalalalala (fingers in ears).
so there.

signed,
cleopatra

absolutely not.

2009-10-23T16:56:00.002-04:00

this cannot happen again. no way. no.

john has been on and off in increased pain for a few weeks now. i haven't mentioned it too much i think bc i was in denial. then, night before last, his leg swells up (the one that had the blood clot last year). the whole thing sweels up and hurts him and when you press down on it, it does not pop back up. like squishing down a wet dishcloth that's under plastic wrap. or really soft playdough.

and then, ... he gets a spot.
one. lone. spot.
of vasculitis.

we know what it looks like. we know how it all started before. this cannot be happening again.
he has had one lone spot here and there before over the past year, and pain here and there, and swelling and squishyness here and there.
he has not had all 3 at one time though. not like this. maybe milder. but this swelling and squishyness were pretty bad, and then the spot...

he did go play basketball last week (i think i told you that?) and he tried to go last night despite his leg but there was no game scheduled. i was quietly thankful bc i feared in his attempt to be 'normal' he would have made what ever this is that's lurking, worse. he needed to rest more than he needed to pretend he was fine.

there are days you pretend. then there are days you sit your ass on the couch.
he will be sitting his ass on the couch tonight too.

we have a halloween party to go to on saturday night. it is the one that we went to last year and he danced with me and it landed him in bed for days. he is much better this time around than he was last time but still i'm concerned that the timing of these symptoms combined with dancing will pose a set back. please pray that the man can just catch a break and go have a nice normal time on saturday night without suffering debilitating consequences. that would be really nice.

thanks for caring.
k

chemical free is the way to be, ... unless you're trying to hide your grey roots

2009-10-19T20:15:00.005-04:00

ever so ever so ever so slowly, ... i have been trying to get rid of chemicals in the house. of course, no house will ever be chemical free, ... what with the chemicals in even the drywall and the paint and the carpeting. i mean, geesh. but it seems to me that every little bit helps and while i can't control everything, i can control what i can control.

so, i set out.
on a journey.
to be (sorta) chemical free.

it is hard.

why is it hard you ask? well, first, it's expensive. also, it's kinda inconvenient. then, there's the old habits that are harder to break than you think. after that, there's the husband who sorta thinks the whole thing is poppy-cock.

let it be known, i do not think it is poppy-cock.

i think that vasculitis, along with many other ailments in life, have an environmental component to them. i have allergies, as do the kids. and yes, we have a cat and dog; but we also have a house full of toxic chemicals that are desguised as lemon scented and meadow fresh. i think it all plays a part.

i've managed to switch to naturally made soap (the skin is the largest eliminatory organ of the body after all. if it allows bad things out, ... it would make sense that it lets bad stuff in too) and shampoo and conditioner (or as naturally made as you can reasonably find). i've stopped using dryer sheets and we're switching to dryer balls. we've switched to natural lotion (my dry elbows and heels let out a sigh of relief that i didn't give up lotion altogether) and purchased a water purifer to get out the flouride and other city water junk. i've switched to naturally made cleaning products and my kitchen and bathroom smell like essential lavendar oil and eucalyptus already.

there have been challenges, ... as evidenced by the fact that aluminum free deodorant does NOT deodorize, despite what the "naturally fresh" label says. i tremble at the thought of giving up my face products and do not get me started on the "natural beauty of grey". i scoff. i will dye my grey until i am dead, ... even if what ultimately kills me is the hair dye. i know i know, i contradict myself.

baby steps i say.
k

well it's about time.

2009-10-15T18:42:00.002-04:00

i am finally starting to get better. almost 3 weeks. geesh. tests for everything under the sun all came back negative. i have 2 more tests i'm getting results on tomorrow and then i'm cleared to go back to work provided the fever stays down. i've been so sick i did not even have the gumption to blog anything. luckily, john stayed well and there was not much vasculitis blogging to do anyway.

he has been mentioning some odd sensations but i think while i've been sick he's been keeping symptoms to himself. i catch him grimicing sometimes when he thinks he's alone or i'm not looking. he's been drinking soda again which is c-r-a-z-y bad. we shall be addressing that shortly. for the next few days though, i still don't have much fight in me.

we go back to the naturopath in november. usually when i mention that he gets his act in gear. i'll wait until i have a little more spunk and then i'll casually mention it.

he says he wants to go play basketball with they guys tonight. he has said that for a few weeks and then not gone. tonight he admitted to me that "the last time i went and played basketball with the guys i woke up with vasculitis".
i said, "you realize that basketball didn't cause the vasculitis, right?".
he said, "yes. ..... (long pause) ... no. i don't."
"basketball doesn't cause vasculitis, babe."
"i know, but physically intense activity can bring it on, so in the back of my mind that keeps coming up."

ok, i have to respect his fears. it takes courage to face your fears. he has a ton of both (courage and fear). he may or may not go tonight, but i know that eventually he will. he is strong. i admire that about him.

thanks for caring.
k

this week i learned...

2009-10-03T22:01:00.002-04:00

that i simply cannot blog while i have the flu and a temp of 104 for 3 days. i am now on day 6 and the temp is down to 100. 2 of 3 kids have the runs and a low grade temp. it is fun times at the townsons for sure. it is not H1N1, i do not have the necessary symptoms. and to that i say hall-lay-lu-ya bc if this is the 'regular' flu, H1N1 would have killed me.

john and isaiah are fine. so no worries there.

i will blog again when i do not feel like my eyeballs are going to pop out of my eye sockets and onto the laptop.
k

Johnny Appleseed

2009-09-27T21:48:00.004-04:00

God met me in the apple orchard yesterday.

The whole family went apple picking. It's an annual event for us involving fresh hot cider donuts and cider, picking fall vegetables, wild flowers, and this year there was a labrynth to walk. The sky was pretty clear and the view of the hillside was breath taking and the air was crisp and the wind was just enough to be refreshing and not threatening.
...and John was healthy. (relatively speaking).

Remember, last year when we went apple picking, things were grim. The doctors had pretty much sent John home to be perpetually ill and early death still was a pretty good possibility. That's us in that pic over there to the right, 3rd one down. We look pretty happy except that we're all actually stressed out and pretending no one notices. John was still swollen from the steroids and still on insulin from the steroids and had just come off the chemo. I'd change the pic except I don't want to forget. I want to remember to live every day like it matters. I want to remember that I have an exceptional family that genuinely pulled together when things sucked ass. That's us pulling together over there, ... picking apples and valuing the time we have together even though we are all stressed and exhausted and worried. But I digress, which seems to be my way lately.

Anyway, so we went apple picking. And as John and Noah went one way (they like green) and Mary went another (she likes any apple that is small) and Isaiah went another (he likes MacIntosh) and I stayed right in the middle so as not to lose any of them, ... it happened. I wasn't alone. God was right there. S/he said, "you didn't think you'd be here this year, so how 'bought them apples?' (God's pretty funny). And as the birds flew over head and I heard my family bellowing to one another and my favorite season, ... a season of thanks, ... starts for yet another year, ... I was met in the orchard by God.

I love when that happens.
And then I cried. But of course they think I'm a big sap so they don't know. Don't tell.

All that having been said, all that peotry in motion, I just need to pepper with a dose of 'sometimes families are crap to deal with'. Isaiah climbed a tree and impaled his knee such that it spouted blood for about 20 nonstop minutes with not a tissue in sight to apply pressure. Mary declaired in the middle of the orchard, the furthest point form the entrance (where the restrooms are), that she needed to go to the bathroom (bc of coure she had not gone when we first arrived like i asked her to). The boys got into a pushing match over, ... I'm not sure what, and I had to spend the last quarter of the trail explaining why pushing and name calling are not acceptable options in this family, ... for the hundredth time this month. So, ya know, sometimes families are crap to deal with.
...But I'm thankful for the crap too.

And ps John is still exercising daily. Ony 20 minutes but it's a hard 20 minutes and is the start of a long road he has to go. We were in church today and he looked so handsome and HEALTHY, oh my, he has his color back. But when we sat in the pew and I held his arm it was startling how much his arm muscles have atrophied. It will be a long haul but at least he's on the road. I am so grateful.

He is at his office interviewing a potential new employee as we speak. Let's hope he finds someone today that does not have an aversion to actual work.

Keep praying please. Prayer is powerful stuff. Thanks.
k

random updates

2009-09-21T16:46:00.005-04:00

string of random thoughts by kim:

so john has been working a bizillion hours due to low staff numbers. he is trying to hire but people either a) don't show up for the interview or b) don't take the job b/c they say it sounds like a lot of work. huh? i don't get people who schedule a job interview but can't be bothered to call and cancel if they've changed their mind. i don't get people who lament to him that they can't pay their bills but then turn down a job offer b/c "it sounds hard". uhh, yes. work is hard. but unemployment is hard too. whatev. i digress. anyway, point being, he has been working a lot of hours and not seeing the kids at all and overall just tired so, prayers for strength (and staff!) would be greatly appreciated.

speaking of working so many hours, ...he did not start this next round of parasite cleanse. i can't emphasize enough how important it is that he complete all 4 rounds (only 1 is done) before we see the naturopath again in november. but i understand that he feels like doo-doo when he's doing it and, working so many hours, feeling like constant doo-doo is not ideal. (again with the request for prayers for staff). it really is important that he complete this 'treatment'. until he gets the parasites under control everything else is sort of diminished (strength, health, patience, etc).

speaking of naturopathy, i am 9 days out from completing my first term of school for it. needless to say, ... finding time for that has been challenging. i'm fighting for it though b/c as much of a pain in the arse as it is to find time for school, the knowedge that i am getting may truly help john's health (not to mention the kids and me). so, i forge on. (insert dramatic battle music here).

speaking of dramatic battle music, ... ha. no i really don't have anything to say about that but it'd be funny if i did. oh no wait, let me try...

speaking of dramatic battle music, ... i feel like i should play some when i work out to jillian michaels '30 day shred' workout dvd, which john has been doing with me for the past 2 days! (now THAT was transition, baby!). ok so really, john joined me in exercising yesterday and today. while that may not sound like a big deal, it is. it absolutely is. vasculitis can be exacerbated by physical activity and until just last week the doc would not clear john to exercise for that reason. last week though he got the ok and at first i noticed that he was kind of pensive, and who can blame him. but then yesterday i found him using my dvd and today he did it with me. i am so proud that he faced his fear and now i seem to have, in all my codependent glory, adopted that fear for him. yup, i picked it up and am nursing it like a little bundle of worry. that's no good. so, i am giving it to God. i have to. john has to. we cannot live under this purpetual cloud of impending gloom. chronic illness/pain sucks. it just does.
...and then you have to learn to live anyway.

worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength.
(i have no idea who said that but i have it on a bookmark from barnes and noble so it must be good stuff).

so, today, john and i did not worry. we were strong.
please pray that we maintain that. it is hard work to say the least.

thanks.
k

amen.

2009-09-15T18:58:00.003-04:00

john remains cancer free.
his doc will only run cancer check once per year now (for the next 3 years), instead of quarterly.
he has the ok to begin exercising slowly.

can i get a woot-woot!!
can i hear an AMEN from the balcony please?!

indeed.
God is good.
k

head's up: this post is not about john

2009-09-07T22:43:00.009-04:00

i know i know, this is john's blog. i blogged about him last time and i'll do it again next time. but right now, ...this weekend, ... i have something else to say. and, in a way, it does tie in to his illness. it ties in in the way that his illness has taught me what's important. brought it to a head. a clear focus. i notice more now. now i live life more, ... aware. conscious.
let me tie it all in.

so this weekend i was laboring, ha, on labor day weekend. three days of cleaning, gleaning, organizing, throwing things away, getting things ready for donation, etc.

here's what was brought to my attention: life speeds past me whether i like it or not.

here's what brought that to my attention:

donating the baby monitors
throwing away the fat crayons, the kind that toddlers use
donating the baby blankets
sitting on my porch and looking out over a sea of adult sized bikes in the yard. not a training wheel or kid bike in sight
receiving the letter that told me what 'homeroom' isaiah would be in on wednesday
taking down the winnie the pooh decorations and planning to put up sports ones
getting rid of the tubby toys
noah saying, 'we could probably get rid of half of what's in that toy box, we don't really play with those anymore'

i didn't think i could take one more 'grown up' thing and then mary brings me her dora the explorer blanket and says, 'you can donate this. i don't need it anymore. i don't like dora now that i'm older'.

i was just about to fall into a pool of 'parent of tween' despair when she added, ...'it'd be diffferent if it was like, ...holly hobby. holly hobby is waaaaay more grown up.'

phew! i just about did a happy jig. =)

ps: john's working a 14 hour shift today. please pray for strength. he is feeling weak and is due to start a second round of parasite cleanse tomorrow.

that's enough for one day

2009-09-04T12:49:00.002-04:00

i was going to blog but then i answered that last comment and now i'm spent.

have a super long weekend.
k

finger tips

2009-09-01T12:23:00.002-04:00

john keeps mentioning that his finger tips hurt. by hurt i mean, like really hurt. it makes him sort of grimice and suck in his breath.

his finger tips?

odd.

i swear this illness is the oddest illness i have ever heard of. it makes him hurt in the most random places.

other than that, the last two days have been pretty pain manageable. (side note: i've noticed that he's been taking his MSM regularly. it's amazing what happens when you proactively stay ahead of the pain instead of trying to reactively catch up to it).
k

jump around! ...jump around! ...jump up jump up and jump down! (insert screetchy bag pipe here)

2009-08-29T22:59:00.002-04:00

anyone know that song? it's irritating as all get-out but the reailty is that when it is played at a wedding reception, ... you simply must jump around. and such is the way of this evening's events.

so, we were at the wedding of sweet friends of ours tonight and john danced like nobody's business. and he jumped around. alot. it's like his brain forgot his body was sick.

when we went to pick up mary afterwards he got out of the car and said, ..."wow. my legs hurt."

hmmmm.
in normal life, pre-january 1998, i'd make some comment about him needing to get more exercise if a little jumping had his mucsles feeling the burn. now, though, ya just sorta wonder is that it, ... the normal burn that comes from bouncing up and down like a crazy jumping bean? or is it more? is it the cloud of vasculitis that hangs over our heads?

i guess we shall see.
k
(ps: i stil hear that song in my head. ugh. it's one of 'those' songs. it'll be there for days. 'jump up jump up and jump dooown!')

back to life, back to reality

2009-08-28T23:41:00.002-04:00

i've returned from the land of the rising sun and have to admit that my 10 day trip was one of the most enjoyable times i have ever had of my life. different culture, new food, excellent friend, relaxing time, sleeping in, seeing sights, feeling loved, shopping, learning new stuff, ... i could go on and on. we went to hiroshima, china town, a temple with zen gardens and a bamboo forest, himeji castle, i got comfortable with chop sticks (i do believe i will be eating with them more often just for fun), i rode by train, taxi, bus, street car and bullet train. i can't tell you how it refreshed my soul.

john and the kids spent time at his sister's house in PA and went to the beach and and amusement park. mary spent a week at girl scout horse camp. so, they filled their time without me just fine.

so all that's the good news.

then reality sets in, ... jet lag, catching up at work, inordinate amounts of housework and laundry, falling behind in school, etc. ...all the normal stuff; which is fine. i'll handle that fine. what's not fine is john. i returned home to find him swollen, in pain, limiting his activities, and over all not doing well. he says he took his vitamins and such while i was gone but also sorta hedged on the whole deal. i suspect it was inconsistent at best. his MSM is what helps keep his swelling and pain at bay the best and he admitted that he forgot to take it to his sister's with them. oy. also a possibility, however, is the fact that he claims (and i believe him) that he has not missed a beat with his parasite cleanse. the cleanse that he is doing is pretty heavy duty stuff without much of a break between cycles. so i'm not sure if what's happening is the result of inconsisent supplements or a healing crisis brought on by the cleanse. in any event, he is fatigued, has swollen joints, and overall is not feeling well.

this chronic illness deal sucks royal ass.
seriously. the guy needs a break.

so, please pray for a break.
he needs one.
thanks.

also, just a side note, i was skipping ahead in my day minder and noticed that sept 15 is the next quarterly cancer check he has scheduled.
which also royally sucks ass.
cancer checks every quarter for bladder cancer or leukemia caused by the chemotherapy, ... for three years. geesh.
sucks ass.

that's all i have to say about that. thanks for allowing me to rant.
i still believe, however, that God is good. so, we'll just keep truckin' along and countin' our blessings.
now where'd i put my chopsticks?
k

Sayonara

2009-08-10T12:40:00.003-04:00

i am leaving for Japan tomorrow morning for 12 days without my family. i wanted to explain the coming lack of posts but also to ask you to pray for:

my family while we are apart
john's health to stay positive
my safe return

this is a fabulous opportunity to see my friend and experience new things but i've never been away from them this long. mary is at girl scout horse camp this week and then next week john has a full schedule for them all to visit family in PA and go to an amusement park and such; so i'm sure it will all be fine.

nonetheless, pray anyway please.

love,

nervous nellie

see ya later alligator

2009-08-09T23:59:00.002-04:00

john lifted 20 pound weights yesterday, just a few times, ... and it didn't hurt.
he did 6 minutes of ab work today, ... and it didn't hurt.

PRAISE BE. and phew. it's about time.

as i was cleaning out old stuff i came across all the printed materials they gaved me when he was first diagnosed on various chemotherapies and different types of vasculitis and on and on.

i promptly chucked them all in the trash and am not looking back.
k

not to argue you but...

2009-08-06T14:37:00.003-04:00

(disclaimer:
the following post has foul language so if that offends you, please come check us out another day. thank you.
management)

so i'm at this gathering recently and there's this woman who knows john from the playground and she asks how john is. now, my standard answer is, "he's improving. he's not well, but he's improving". which is true. actually, with him on the parasite cleanse he is going through a bit of a "healing crisis" and experiencing the return of some old, painful symptoms. he is tired and in pain and often reports to me random numbness, tingling, stiffness, etc. he is going through a challenging time right now but is a total trooper about it. the parasite cleanse seems to be exacerbating symptoms lately but we hope it's for the best in the end and we pluck on.

so, she asks and i say my standard answer and she, in front of this whole group of people, says, "well he looks fine".
uummm, ok.
i say, "yes, he does", and think that will be the end of that.
but in the next breath she says, ...real loud, (insert snot-ass tone)
"ya know, not to argue you but i JUST spoke to him a few days ago and he 's fine. no, ...really. he's fine".

is he now?
wow.

seriously, she said that. those exact words, "no, ...really. he's fine".

really? REALLY?

well, not to argue you but i JUST slept with him so i think i know him better than you do.
bitch.

man o man. i know i know. people are dumb. but geesh lady, chronic illness is a deceptive thing sometimes, so how about you shut your pie hole.

note to self: never assume another person's health or wellness based on their appearance.
even more so, never publicly argue the validity of a person's health with their spouse. you just end up looking like an ass.
k

"Only bad witches are ugly." -Glenda, the good witch

2009-07-27T19:36:00.002-04:00

So i've been doing studying and reading for naturopathy school and i have to admit, i keep thinking all i need is a cauldron and maybe some frog legs and i'd be a witch.

the stuff i'm working with is crazy: worm wood and licorice root and senna leaf and cascara segrada leaf and acai berry and hemp and some pod i don't remember the name of which sucks b/c i paid a lot of money for it at the health food store (note to self: get a better labeling system) and wheat grass and magnesium oxide and bee pollen propolis and ginsing and prolacto acidophilus and nutraflora and cloves and black walnut green hull extract, ... and frog legs.

see? doesn't it just sound like frog legs fits in there? i'm not using frog legs of course but i'm only in term one so who knows what will come.

i'm hoping by graduation i know how to fly on a broom.
that'd be cool.
k

when in doubt, read the directions

2009-07-24T19:40:00.004-04:00

so john started his parasite cleanse. it's pretty intense. it's a drop of wormwood stuff and a pill of clove stuff and another pill of something or other stuff, ... it's just a lot. it's complex and some stuff you take with food and some you mix with water and some is every day but some is only every other day and some have increasing doses and some are mixed with citric acid and on and on.

needless to say john is pretty disintersted in the whole thing.

i have not yet figured out why he is so less than excited to rid himself of the parasites. i sort of think he's in denial about the whole thing. i mean, parasites, eww. who can blame him. and it's not as obvious as the vasculitis spots or the insulin meter when he had the steroid induced diabetes. all that's pretty 'in your face', so to speak. this, well, ... it's more 'in your blood' aka: easier to ignore.

but he did go ahead and start it while sort of half listening to me as i tried to explain what the regiment would be for the next 18-20 days. he sort of uh-huh'ed me until i stopped talking.
oooo-k. you're a big boy. it's all yours.

he promptly accidentally overdosed himself on wormwood tincture and got some odd red ring under his lower lip and a pretty good case of the runs. ("i thought it said one dropper full, not one drop").

oy.

i am pleased to report that he is now totally on board with undersanding the sevierity of getting rid of the parasites and the importance of following the instructions on the label.
k

Prayer request

2009-07-21T21:06:00.006-04:00

John seems to not be doing very well lately. He still takes care of the kids and works and such, in essence he still has everyone fooled, but he is not doing very well.

He has been reporting more and more pain in his joints, swelling, numbness, etc. He even went swimming thinking that maybe some non-impact exericse may help, and instead it made him hurt worse. He's such a trooper but the reality is that he seems to be at this plateau where nothing's getting worse but nothing's getting better. I know that such is the reality of living with chronic illness, and yet still i find myself digging my heels in, unwilling to accept that.

He is just finishing a 7 system organ cleanse and will begin the parasite cleanse this week. The naturopath told him that he has gone as far as he can go without addressing the parasite infestation. So i'm hoping that that helps.

I am also pretty positive that God can do all things and hold tight to the power of prayer. I'm asking that you please throw one or two, or 50, up for john. He is struggling right now.

Thanks.
k
***********
So i went back and re-read what i wrote. I said it's not getting worse but not getting better. That is not true. It is getting worse. There is definite movement backwards. Now, as i type that, it dawns on me that john has been eating like crap lately. So, let's tag team him shall we? I am proposing that while you bombard him with prayer, i will bombard him with nutritional information. i am at a loss as to what else to do when nutrition really could be the culprit here. but, after thinking about it, i have to say in his defense that i've been slacking too. so, i will try to move forward by example instead of words. i will bombard him with good role modeling and positive support. after all, no one likes the food police.

reality check

2009-07-13T11:05:00.003-04:00

while i am genuinely touched by the many kind words you all sent me about running with God and becoming a naturopath, i nonetheless feel compelled to disclose the following:

this weekend i drank wine from a coffee mug at 10am, downed half of a bag of crap doritos at 10pm, and ice skated on the edge of cursing like a sailor in front of my kids when i had simply had enough of their "he touched me! she's in my space!" antics.

so, thanks for all the nice messages, but i always want to keep it real.

i should say something about john before i completly take over his blog.
ok, john is good. not great, but good. he's in the middle of a 7 system organ cleanse and is taking it better than i did (rememeber how tired it made me?). keep up the prayers please. it's powerful stuff.

rock on,
k

yesterday i was visited by God. and she wore a pink hat.

2009-07-08T00:01:00.003-04:00

so, i have started running again. i had to stop b/c of a hip injury and i am a happier person when i jog so i have started up again effective yesterday. but that is not my story...

i was at the outdoor community track yesterday morning and was running for the first time in months. i was honed in on time, stride, breathing, etc. I was mentally contemplating my daily, never-ending to do list. i was noticing who i was lapping and wondering if the grumpy power walking nun was always grumpy or only when she power walks. i was, in essence, ...not present.

now, let me say here that you may be thinking, well this is about kim, not john. and this is john's blog. but, i have to tell you, that it is through john's illness last year that i have learned life lessons and come to a place where i know better than to not 'be present'. i do, i know better. sudden possible death of a loved one grabs your attention. and living with a chronicly ill spouse begs you to hold that attention where it matters most. it forces you to reprioritize. but for some reason it is a skill that i have to repeatedly remind myself to practice. buddhist zen i am not. and at that moment, lapping the grumpy nun and trying to figure out when i was going to find time to reschedule that skin doctor appt i've cancelled three times, i was NOT present. until...

so i am running lap 4 and all the while so damn driven and focused (momentary rewind: this is not my usual way. for years my time running is time spent with God. it's where we commune. it's where we communicate. it's where we disagree and then make up. it's where i pray in every capacity. it's where i pretend i am not listening to Him b/c i am stubborn and He patiently waits for my sanity to return. it's where i apologize and i soar and i listen and i am replenished. it's where i give my heart to Him over and over. it's where i am most reminded that if i look, i can see His signature across the seal of my life. it's where He paints me splendid sky art and conducts beautiful bird call symphonies just for me just b/c He loves me. all this in the span of a few sweaty miles) and suddenly i see up ahead a little girl with her grandfather.
she is wearing a pink hat.
and as i get closer, she talks to me...

"don't step on wormie!"
"oh. ok. i won't" i smile and sort of try to run by. but i can't. she is still talking to me.
"he is a wormie".
"yes he is".
"where you going? look! i have a shadow!"
"yes you do."
"have you looked at yeeeer shadow? see, it right there!" (insert squeels of surprised delight while pointing to my shadow).
at this point her grandfather is just smiling, walking behind us. he has absolutely no concern about us walking together, me and ...
"uuh, what's your name?"
(insert garbled sounds here)
"hum. ok. has anybody ever taught you about stranger danger?" i ask half kidding, half not.
she giggles and promptly takes my hand.

she takes my hand.
and we walk.

for the next mile she and i walk and look at wormies and look at shadows and skip and pick daisys and point at clouds and trees and cars and colors and grass. we talk about "pop pop", still silently walking a quarter mile behind us as if guarding our time together.
for the next mile she and i ARE PRESENT.
and i am exceedingly blessed.

it is the most precious mile i think i have ever walked.

it's odd, looking back now i realize that from that point on there was absolutely no one else on the track. no joggers. no nun. no dog walkers as there had been just a lap or so ago. everyone had gone. everyone excpet me and...

i asked her her name two more times. i never did catch it. and when we arrive back at my car, and she knows which one is mine b/c we have already establised that it is red and red is the color of stop signs and traffic lights and heart love, she lets go of my hand and goes back to pop pop and the two of them walk away from me. no words exchanged except that she was delighted to hear that i had babies i was going home to, and declaired that for all the world to hear.

so i did. i went home to my babies. i went home reminded that i need to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n and be present. i didn't spend time with God on my run. and in return she promptly put on her pink hat and met me at the track.
k

my new news

2009-06-30T10:08:00.004-04:00

this blog is not supposed to be about me so i am going to keep this short and simple...

i have started school to become a certified naturopath.

who would have thought 17 months ago when i wrote my first post that this is where my journey would take me.

i have glimpsed life with the very real possibility of john dying very sick and very young.
i have glimpsed traces of a teenager in my baby boy.
suddenly my priorities have rearranged.

i want to say that this will be so good for us. and it will.
but i also feel compelled to say that this will be so good for me.

life it is a changin'. please wish me godspeed.
k

family fun times and celebrations

2009-06-28T23:06:00.004-04:00

three weekends ago:

we went to ride the tioga railroad dinner train. the kids had never been on a train and weren't sure what to expect but ended up really enjoying themselves. lasagna dinner was delicious, the 3 hour ride was beautiful, the weather was perfect, the dining car was classy and the open air car took your breath away. we got to see an osprey, an eagel nest, and lots of deer along the way. we got a ton of pics and it was genuinely a family memory.

two weekends ago:

we started out by going to eldridge park on friday night and the kids rode the carousel (it goes so fast it makes me sick so i sit and watch, or cam or clic pics) and we rode the jasper (boat). the weather was beautiful, the water calm and the sunset was like a painting. but that wasn't the best part (for me anyway). the best part was the dance hall that has been rebuilt and is actually in use. there was a "big band" with a singer who looked like she was straight out of the 1940's. and there were these people, ... these really elderly people like in their 80's, who were dancing the night away! oh my it was SUCH fun to watch. of course the kids were bored out of their minds but all i could think was, "Goo would looooove this". (Goo, my grandmother who passed away last year). There must have been 30 or so couples dancing song after song, the two step, the box step, a little rumba. and to be sure these people had set out to dance when they left the house that night! ...matching dance suits, patten leather dance shoes, a flower behind the ear. it was all very lawrence welk. and another 30 or so elderly couples sitting watching. i'm pretty certain i looked out of place at my age but i swear it was one of the best times i've had in quiet some time. i felt like Goo was standing there watching with me.

last weekend:

we went to PA to see john's family. his niece was having a graduation party and while the 4 hour drive is a bit of a toll with 3 kids and a dog, once we get there i'm always happier. it's the only time that i can read or take a nap or sleep in or whatever. the kids play with their kids and john spends a lot of time hanging out with his sister. there's 4 wheeling and a pool and a trampoline (can i just mention that as i was flying through the air and suddenly got queezy i realized that it's been a l-o-n-g time since i was on a trampoline). of course there's always the crazy family drama but really, what would family be if not crazy and/or dramatic? we also made it out to lake erie for a sunset picnic. it truly was beautiful.

yesterday and today:

quiet family time. ...and ice cream =)

and so how are the kids?

isaiah received the president's award for academic excellence (only 3 kids got this in his class). while he loves to read and is super smart, ... he also best enjoys a gazillion hours on the computer. it will be a conscious effort this summer to remind him that a world exists out there but i bet once we get him in a pool all will be well. he's funny and a peace keeper for sure. such a pleasure.

noah has decided, totally on his own, that he wants to continue his violin lessons through the summer and at the same time has created his own website. he was voted best smile and best writer in his class. he's showing interest in sculpting. he's such an interesting kid. he's artistic and musical and creative, ... and will get so mad so fast he'll scare the heck outta you vs look at ya twice. i guess the word to describe noah is passionate.

mary will be attending girl scout horse camp this summer. she keeps reminding me that i told her i'd buy her one but strangely enough i do not recall such a conversation. hmmm. she suddenly has a big interest in lacrosse, much to john's delight. and while she's dressed in all pink with a huge bow in her long curly hair she will be the lacrosse player who clips you on your ass. she's a tough girl. a tough girl who makes me turn off lights in the house 'so we can save the polar bears'. oy. she will rule the world one day.

this summer we'll be camping and going to the zoo and to the water park and chuck e. cheese and sonnenburg gardens and to canada (provided john's passport thing works out. long story).

we will live life.

why do i share all this with you? b/c i don't want to leave the impression that life here is all illness and worry and dread and detoxes. it's not. life is good.
k

over the river and through the woods to the naturopath we go

2009-06-27T23:25:00.003-04:00

last weekend we went to PA to visit john's sister for her daughter's high school graduation party. only intending to drive up sat and back sun, we didn't pack much. then, we ended up staying until tues. that being the case, there wasn't much clean underwear going around.
ewwwww.

on sunday night john got the idea that maybe the naturopath would be able to fit us in if we called her. we had planned on rechecking his blood at the 6 month mark, which was last month. we called and she said she could get us in so we ended up seeing her late monday afternoon for a 2 hour consult. she drew his blood just like last time and analyzed a live culture and then a dry one, looking for improvements and comparing it to the draw she did 6 months ago.

overall, john's blood has made some good progress, and we still have far to go.

the good news is that john's blood shows improvement in: pH/acidity, bacterial markers, metal levels, yeast/fungus levels, food particles (leaky gut), digestion and overall toxins. she was pretty happy with the improvement in pH and said that it usually takes people much longer to bring up their alkaline levels and it's usually a struggle the whole way. john seems to have pulled this off primarily with his change in diet and things have gone well. there was still yeast/fungus, some food particles, some bad bacteria and metal but significantly less. also he has a sluggish lymph system, 'parasite markers' and the way his blood looked around the edges was indicitive of a decrease in muscle strength and mass; but, overall, there's been definite progress.

the area that is still pretty bad is his parasites. and, to be honest, the parasite cleanse is the one that he has been putting off for some reason. last time she kept using the word 'parasite' and this time she kept using the words 'parasite markers'. we're not sure what the differeence is but whatever. i also noticed that last time we saw moving parasites and this time they looked more like very large scar tissues in his blood; it's hard to explain. she also kept mentioning 'white rivers' and 'white puddles' in his dried blood sample but i have no idea what the heck she was talking about in regard to that either. (i know, you're wondering why we didn't ask. seriously, this is like a 6 hour chem class crammed into 2 hours. i take notes. i'm lucky that i pick up all that i do so i consider anything that i'm able to retain as a small victory). she explained to him that he's pretty much gone as far as he can go without addressing the parasites and that as long as he has them in his system it does not matter how many other things he tries to improve he will still feel like crap. so we made a plan and an appt to follow up in 5 months.

while continuing the dietary changes (lots of water, little to no refined sugar/soda, no artifical sweeteners, few white carbs) and the vitamins (multivitamin, fiber, probiotics, digestive enzymes, milk thistle, chelating, MSM, olive leaf extract, evening primrose oil, cod liver oil and flas seed oil), we also need to do a few things.

for the next 2 weeks john needs to triple his olive leaf extract intake (kills off parasites). then he needs to do a 7 system organ cleanse (this is the one that made me fall asleep all over town for 15 days). after that he needs to do a parasite cleanse for 2 weeks on and 5 days off, ... 4 times. the whole while he is to continue the olive leaf extract and the chelating (for metal) but suspend all the other vitamins (except 2). he'll be taking the chelating b/c studies show that as parasites become aware they are being flushed out, ... they are very smart and resiliant, ... they tend to hide behind metals in the blood. after the 4 cycles he's to go back to the triple dose of olive leaf extract and resume the other viatmins until we see her again. we also need to start switching to green cleaners in the house b/c of the connection between parasites and metals (there are metals in otc household cleaning products). for the sluggish lymph she recommended magnesium oxide and potassium glucinate (the 2 he needs to continue during the detox). above and beyond all that she also recommended calcium, B6, B12 sublingual (the kind that you take under your tongue), CoQ10 (helps oxygen levels in the body), vit E, folic acid, and vit C.

it's a very hard, aggressive plan (not to mention expensive) but necessary. he may feel weak or fatigued and exhausted. he may get cranky or feel sick. or he may be just fine. there's no way to tell until he does it. pulling all this crap out of the body can fatigue but allergies to the supplements can do the same thing and you just don't know until you do it.

i am now researching green cleaners. there's much to learn there. my brain is tired.

she recommended 'muscle testing', something that john's chiropractor does but has just started learning so he's not really a resource. it's a very specific practice, one that this naturopath is not schooled in, so we may need to find somebody about that. i think i have a lead in the ithaca area. the little that john's doc does know has led him to tell john, "from all that i can see in you, all of your problems revolve around your digestive system". that was no surprise, as the more we learn the more we are believing the theory that 'all disease begins in the colon'.

i still have not had a chance to read the 'eating 4 your type' book i picked up that speaks to the idea of eating based on your blood type and i also have purchased 'the omnivore's dilemma' but have not had time to turn my attention to that either. i'm shooting for those to be read by the end of the summer. i have heard good things about both and people that have had good results with the 'eating 4 your type' book. i think both may offer us some useful knowledge.

we have an appt the wed before thanksgiving at 9am. the first session will be john's check up and after that i am having a baseline draw done. i'm kinda freaked about what she'll find but that's 5 months away and this isns't about me so i'll shut myself up about that.

the other thing that we need to address during this next 5 months is john's low blood oxygen level and his sluggish lymph system. she gave him some breathign exercises to do and encouraged light exercise. john is always hesitant about this b/c even slight exercise can set off a wave of vasculitis and honestly every time he goes to play lacrosse in the yard with the kids sure enough he starts experiencing symptoms. frankly, it sucks ass. all that man wants to do is play with those kids and he ends up soon thereafter with ruptured blood vessels and swollen joints and pain and squishy leg. sucks ass i say.

she also talked about at what point we start taking him off all of this but each supplement is different. for example she said something about one year for the chelating but that probiotics are good for life. she mentioned decreased vit E levels over time and, ... there was more but my brain is way full.

the naturopath said that if all is well at the nov appt then the next thing we need to tackle is john's leaky gut. food is still leaking through his intestines (probably from the chemotherapy thinning his intestinal wall) and for reasons i can't rememebr but i'm sure i'll learn, ...that's just not good. it's leaking less than 6 months ago but still enough to cause concern. she said something about alglutimate helping to repair the intestine lining and repair muscle but let's take one thing at a time, yes?

as for john's health currently, he is ok. not great, but ok. he is experiencing slightly stonger symptoms more and more frequently of slightly longer duration. the blood clot leg has been acting up more than usual; squishy and painful. he still says he can feel things moving through the vein. (gag). the vasculitis dots seem to come more often and have started to itch again (if he itches them they scar). he gets tired easier but tries to push through for the kids. but i did notice that today he tried to put a positive spin on things and said that he's pretty sure that all this "activity" going on in his body is 'healing'. "i'm feeling healing going on. that's what it is". i don't know if he was trying to convince me or himself but i said how good that was and we both left it at that.

glass half full.

keep the prayers coming please!
sorry this post was so long and all business like. next time i'll talk about our last two weekends. that's way more fun.
peace out,
k

the absent blogger

2009-06-24T23:07:00.002-04:00

i have not forgotten about this blog. truly. there is much to report, plenty of posting material to be sure.
...and life is so working against me right now.

so, i'm gonna break it down. i'm gonna tell you about our fantabulous time two weekends ago. i'm gonna tell you about this past weekend and our trip to PA. i'm gonna tell you about john's 6 month check back with the naturopath (yes indeedy we did that) and our plan for the next 5 months. i'm gonna tell you some random stories about life at the townson's. i'm gonna tell you about my new news.

but not tonight.
tonight i am exhausted.

so, tomorrow. tomorrow we will start to break it down.
for tonight, i must sleep.
k

i got it!

2009-06-11T23:17:00.002-04:00

remember back a few weeks ago when i made that list of 12 things that we have newly added to our diet that i'm relatively shocked about, ... but then could only come up with 11? remember that? ok, i have the 12th thing: Mrs. Bragg's amino acids.

amino acids.
isn't that the oddest thing ever?
k

is it over yet?

2009-06-09T09:48:00.002-04:00

so john's doing a 10 day yeast cleanse and i've been working on a 15 day organ cleanse (today is day 15 thank goodness) and it is whoopin' our butts.

cleanses make a person tiiiiiiiired for sure. he is draggin'. i am draggin'. we're falling asleep randomly throughout the day, naps left and right, and sorta nonverbally agreeing to alternating who gets to fall asleep at 6:45pm each night. i think tonight is his turn. crap.

the kids are pretty much runnin' the house.
k

Dear Mr. LaLane

2009-06-04T21:49:00.005-04:00

i'm writing to tell you how wonderful your juicer is. http://www.powerjuicer.com/

when i juice i feel better, my complexion rocks, and i sleep better. when i juice i have more energy, feel healthier, am in a better mood and do not have cravings. when i juice i have a happy digestive system and am amazed at the clarity in the whites of my eyes. when i juice my clothes fit better, my thoughts are more sharp, and my hair glistens. when i juice, i am simply a better person.

but ooooh Mr. LaLane, you did not warn me, in your handy dandy little accompanying booklet, that when i juice, i will be in the poor house because it is SO FREAKIN' EXPENSIVE. nor did you warn me that if i do not wash said juicer immediately upon completion of happy juicing experience, the pulp WILL STICK AS IF CEMENTED to the various juicer parts.

Oh Mr. LaLane, why is being healthy such work?
k

coming or going?

2009-06-03T00:03:00.002-04:00

so john has said to me, three nights in a row, "i feel things moving in my blood", while rubbing his leg.

history: john said this to me for months prior to getting sick. i tended to think it was an oddball thing to say. i now no longer poo poo his crazy talk.

so, he says it again tonight, "i feel things moving in my blood" (touching leg).
hmm. ok. i think the worst. (cut me a break, you would too).

so then he says, the eternal optimist that he is, "well, we've been doing the detox stuff and the cleanse stuff", (currently john is doing a 2 week candida (yeast) cleanse and i am on day 10 or so of an organ cleanse. i'm not sure i mentioned that previosuly), he continues, " so maybe it's the parasites and other crap dying off?"

hmm. maybe.
hmm. yes. that must be it. good call, john. good call. i am CERTAIN that that must be it.

lord, let that be it.
k

but this porridge was juuust right...

2009-05-22T16:22:00.004-04:00

so, a dozen random healthful choice foods that john and i now eat on a pretty regular basis that we would not have even considered, or did not know existed, just a few short months ago:

prunes (how old am i?)
steel cut oatmeal (i didn't even know what 'steel cut' meant before. it sounds like somethnig that has to do with a car or expensive kitchen appliance)
dried dates (if it was good enough for Biblical folk, it's good enough for me)
Bocca burgers (do not be fooled, there is nothing 'burger' about them except the shape)
vanilla rice milk and chocolate soy milk (who knew?)
soy nuts and pine nuts (no, you cannot pretend to talk yourself into believing it is buttery popcorn you are crunching on. i know. i've tried)
aloe vera gel (as healthful as it is, yes it does have five ragingly good things for your body, it is such gross gelatenous goop that i do not recommend this unless you are actually combating vasculitis or supporting someone who is)
almond butter and sun butter (made from sunflower seeds. seriously, this one i could roll around in. and at 200 calories a Tbsp what i really need to do is stop sticking my finger knuckle-deep in the tub and pretending that if it never touched a Tbsp spoon then it doesn't count)
Ezekiel bread (i swear if you eat just two pieces of this you are full for a week. No wonder it was eaten in Biblical times when i bet there wasn't much to go around. 'does jacob need a piece of the slaughtered calf?' 'oh nooooo. he had TWO pieces of ezekiel bread just last thursday'.)
ok this one isn't a thing, it's something i've learned. so, did you know that just b/c a yogurt SAYS it has active live cultures for healthy flora it's not necessarily so? (it cracks my ass up that i even know what healthy flora is. until i remember why i was forced to learn it. then i want to cry and drink. so, we'll just step away from this emotional contradiction and get back to the flora). ok, so, the yogurt container can say it has healthy live cultures in it but if it doesn't have the LAC symbol then the levels are so low it doesn't really do your body much good. not that it does it any bad, ... but if i'm paying that price for a YOGURT when i could have spent that hard earned money on oh, say, cheesecake, then it better be freakin' good for me thank you very much). so, check your containers and don't be fooled. the symbol looks like a block print, capital 'L' with a lower case, cursive 'ac' scripted in the middle of it.
kale (i have nothing to say about this one. i'm just so amazed that it even exists on the list that i'm left with no words. really. kale.)
i ran out of steam. no 12th item. i'm sure there is but i'm tired. today i will embrace my human imperfection and not my OCD cumpulsion to finish what i started. it's true progress when you learn which dysfunction serves you well in different situations.

and yes i know that salmon rocks and soy is contraversial and too much any one thing is no good. i get that. i'm still just pretty amazed with myself everytime i find me shopping in the international section or handing john a list to get from the health food store. this is a new life we are living.

Kyrie Eleison

2009-05-20T23:18:00.002-04:00

this is my prayer. join me.

it seems to me we could all use a great big honkin' vat of kyrie elesion. wouldn't you agree?
amen.

long time no post

2009-05-19T17:43:00.003-04:00

i know. sorry. a lot has happened.

the house is coming along nicely. it is starting to look like something someone would actually buy.

the kids are ok but noah had a 2 day bout in the hospital over mother's day weekend with xrays showing swelling in the throat and the ER calling us back and middle of the night tests for liver function and on and on. it was bad. stressful. he is getting better now though the cough and low grade fever have lingered for almost 10 days and this morning he was coughing so hard he threw himself into waves of puking up bile. this is how i spent mother's day and he spent his birthday. poor boy. at least he is getting better now and KNOCK ON WOOD the other kids don't show any signs of illness.

eating is going well. mostly. still can't seem to figure out a balance. our bodies really benefitted from the liquid detox and now that we're back on regular food we don't feel so hot. but seriously who can stay on liquid kale forever? it's a good problem to have though so i'm not complaining.

here's what i am complaining about, ... john's vasculitis symptoms are returning. it's been a pretty bad week of swelling in the blood clot leg to the point that he has had to wear the granny stocking quite a bit, pain in the extremities and joints, tingeling in the feet and legs, feelings of restricted circulation, and actual red vasculitis spots where the healthy blood vessel has clearly been attacked by the confused immune system and ruptured under the skin, pooling the blood.

and so it goes in the life of a family dealing with chronic illness. i'm not sure i have much more to say about this at this point. it is a sort of mental shut down for me. i cannot even imagine the feelings john must be having. i have identified it as a mild post traumatic stress we are experiencing after 2008, combined with this anticipatory stress of possible relapse.
it is hard. please pray for continued strength and healing for john and stress reduction for the kids. enough is enough.
thanks,
k

this little piggy had none

2009-05-08T12:48:00.003-04:00

so, we have successfully reintroduced each food group back into our diets, one at a time pretty much. veggies, yup. fruit, good to go. whole wheats and complex carbs and healthy oils and fish and dairy and soy and lean meats like turkey and chicken. all ok. i have been juicing most of the day b/c i didn't want to lose those benefits and i've been pretty much eating (chewing) one meal a day, usually dinner with john. john's been eating more chewing food than me throughout the day but he is still juicing and doing really well.

and then last night we had red meat.

uuuuuggggghhhhhh.

it was a lovely japanese recipe with a small portion of steak with mirin (sweetened saki) and ginger and carrots and it looked like a work of art on the plate next to the mashed cauliflower that john made to mimic mashed potatoes, and it tasted soooo yummy.
...until about 30 minutes later.

i swear i felt like i had been poisoned. such an upset tummy. bleck. bleck. bleck. it was the meat. i could just 'tell'.

here is my issue, i looooove steak. love it love it love it.

john has declaired 'i think i'm am turning mostly vegetarian'. he says this with gleeful abandon as though it is no biggie at all. that is so good for him. i, however, do not know where to put this new info, or my body's reaction to red meat, in my head.

do not email me and tell me the obvious. i am temporarily in denial. please allow me to work through this in my own time. in the meanwhile, i am silently mourning my usual booth at Outback Steakhouse.
k

i'll huff and i'll puff...

2009-05-07T09:23:00.003-04:00

have i mentioned how old our house is? no? well it's almost 120 years old.
have i mentioned how lovely the IDEA of a 120 year old house is? no? well, it's lovely.
have i mentioned how sucky the upkeep of a 120 year old house is? no? it's sucky.

so, yesterday we officially started having the house sided. that is super great b/c john started that task a long time ago and then got sick. so my house has said "LOWE'S" all over it for almost a year now with weather proofing wrap. i'm certain it's the neighborhood on going joke.

"do you know where the Lowe's live?" hahaha. sooo funny. not.

we also bought a new furnace (ours is the old 50 year old octopus style). and we have the 2nd bathroom half way done with a kind offer from friends to help us complete it (thank you jen and mike). also i have the contact info for a wallpaper/painting lady and some kids at the church who are looking for yard work to be done for a service project (let the weed yanking begin). i think all that's left after all that we have started is the driveway being repaved, kitchen countertops and cabinets, and perhaps some new carpeting.

john says it'll look so nice once we're done that we'll want to stay, ...no way jose. mary needs a bedroom door she can actually close when she changes her panties w/o everyone walking through to get to the bathroom or their bedroom. poor girl.
k

i have heard it said that disease begins in the colon

2009-05-05T23:22:00.005-04:00

so i have just one word for you today:

colonic.

we have nothing more to say about that. do not ask us.

thank you.

k

MEMO: i most respectfully request...

2009-05-04T23:53:00.007-04:00

that people back the f off.

here's the thing people, john feels good. he tells me daily that he's feeling great actually. and, least you need reminding, he needed to lose a few pounds prior to getting sick last year. the amount of weight that he was carrying around his belly was stressful on his heart.

why, then oh why i ask, do you feel the need to tell him "you've lost too much weight!" "you look sick!", "oh my gawd you look so sick!"

seriously? SERIOUSLY. why would you do that? what would possess you to say that to him?
THE MAN FEELS GOOD. can we just roll with that please?

seriously, let's look at, oh say, Dr. Oz for a minute (since multitudes of people seem to want to tell me what the man says about my detoxing). ok, fine. let's consider him. he's really thin. rail thin actually. but b/c he walks around at every tv appearance in medical scrubs he seems to be the picture of health. john walks around in jeans and he's dead man walking. come on. can we cut him a break?

and need i remind people that john WAS really sick. he was bed ridden at points, and hospitalized 3 times, and in isolation and on chemotherapy and almost died. so, clearly, muscles have atrophied over the past 17 months. his biceps no longer look like Popeye, and for now any physical activity can cause a relapse. so, no, he's not a bulge of rippling muscles at this point. but still, he's up and around. he's working and rebuilding his business. he's in a good mood. he's sleeping at night and active during the day. he's able to care for the kids and help around the house. he's going for walks and eating right and taking care of himself by listening to his body. that's a whole new skill for him. so can we please stop telling him how sickly he looks? you're making him feel bad when all he wants to do is focus on how far he's come in the right direction.

let me say that again b/c he will not tell you, he will only come home and tell me, ...
YOU ARE MAKING HIM FEEL BAD.
WHICH PISSES ME OFF.

so, i am respectfully requesting, that those of you who see him and think he's too thin, ...back the hell off my husband and keep that opinion behind your teeth.

he is doing wonderful. getting well after last year is hard work. he is actively trying. this is hard.
you have no idea how hard this is. you cannot know. so keep your mouth shut please.

i do not get riled up easily but if people continue to come after him this way i will have to kick some asses.

thank you.
the management

ps: to the few who have been supportive, i genuinely say thank you. you rock.

bon appetit

2009-05-04T15:55:00.002-04:00

so, as john and i reintroduce foods one food group at a time, i decided that i wanted to set a tone for eating healthier, better, different. so, of course, off to barnes and noble i went.

i purchased 7 new cookbooks (yes, books as in, to teach oneself to cook. for as many of you know, this is a foreign concept to me. john is the cook in the family. but i feared he would not set the stage for renewed health when it's so easy to fall into old patterns. i'm completely just as guilty. so i thought the books would help guide me). so far so good.

i purchased:
-The Market Fresh Cookbook
-Whole Grains for Busy People
-The Everything Stri-Fry Cookbook
-Japanese Homestyle Dishes
-The Everything Mediterranean Cookbook
-Healthy Latin Cooking
-Indian Home Cooking

last week we continued to juice all throughout the day but each evening had a dinner from one of the books that reintroduced a new food group. it was lovely! the weeks of juicing introduced new veggies to us that we had never met before and this is now introducing us to ingredients that we've never had before.

it's a whole new nutritional experience and who knew, i can cook =)
k

liar liar, my pants are not on fire. seriously.

2009-05-02T13:49:00.003-04:00

the age wrinkles on my face have disappeared. i kid you not.

this green gruel is some serious shit.

as much as i absolutely hate hate hate the 12:00 lunchtime gelatenous goop. i may need to continue it into the future. if it's doing magical things for us on the outside, imagine how groovy our insides must be. =)
k

tea for two

2009-05-01T12:58:00.003-04:00

woke up feeling better, but still tired. looking forward to getting into my jammies early tonight.
i have to say though, we feel good, john and i. this has all been hard but we feel good. and that's what's most important.

so, what's next? well, now that we've gotten the crap out of the cells and the lymph nodes, next is the kidneys, gall baldder and liver. i do know that anyone who has a chronic illness is NOT to do the gallbladder and liver flush so i'll be doing that on my own early next week.

the kidney flush is a tea that you drink one time a week for three weeks.
john and i will do that for the next three mondays in a row.
the recipe is:
2 bunches of fresh parsley
1/4 cup black cherry juice
1/4 cup distilled water
5 drops of golden rod tincture
take all of that and juice it.
drink only one half cup at a time followed by a cup of warm marshmallow root tea.
all in all, doesn't sound to bad.

i'm not sure right now what the gall bladder and liver flush consists of so i'll need to look into that. it's just for me anyway.

in the meantime john has not been drinking his parasite cleanse tea the way he's supposed to so i'm going ot have to start making it for him. if i make it, he'll drink it. it's the making it that's time consuming...
parasite tea (sounds bad huh?)
4-5 cardamom pods
1/2 stick cinnamon
2T fennel seeds
10 whole cloves
5 drops black walnut tincture
stevia, vanilla, or almond extract to taste.
break the shells of the pods. boil the spices in a quart of water until tea is strong. add teabag of favorite tea to tase. simmer. remove from heat and add BW tincture and flavorings to taste. drink.
see? pain in the patooty, especially if you're having to do that daily for three weeks (which he's supposed to). i think he's only done it once. so, we'll get on that.

john has been taking his protein mix with rice or soy milk here and there like he's supposed to (for those pesky parasites. they're hard critters to get rid of). he's been pretty good about that.

we're also supposed to be drinking indian tea here and there to assist with the body's cleanse but we've only done it once so i'll be paying attention to getting us on that horse too.
indian tea
4 cups water
1 stick cinnamon
4-5 cloves
1t fennel
4 whole cardamom pods
1/4 whole allspice clove
simmer one hour (one hour?! ugh. more time consuming tea). add stevia or organic vanilla to taste.
this is good for cleansing, increasing energy (man i need that today) and also is good for overall health of the stomach.

that's enough for today. i feel like i just toured the isles of a health food store with you.
k

did you say lymph drainage or energy drainage?

2009-04-30T22:44:00.002-04:00

so i went and had a lymph drainage massage today. i am so glad i did it before john so he can know what to expect b/c i was blissfully ignorant and then SLAM, i learned what this toxin thing is all about...

so i know that the cells dumped toxins into my blood during the detox and then they ended up in places, ... like the lymph system. so, a lymph drainage massage is recommended to get it flowing out of there and moving toward the colon (i've heard it said that big poop = little hospitals, little poop = big hospitals). ok, so off to the massage therapist i go.

finding a masseuse trained in lymph drainage wa challenging, until i found her directly beneath my nose. 5 minutes from where i work and i actually already knew her. 30 minutes, $30, i can do it during lunch. perfect.

so she described how it would be a very gentle massage since the lymph system is so close to the surface of the skin. she was right, it was. it felt more like how a lover would touch you than a masseuse (not sexual, but kind and gentle). so gentle that i truly didn't think anything was happening. i thought the whole thing was kind of hokey. lovely. but hokey. ...until about an hour later.

woe baby.

she had told me to drink plenty of water afterward but that's all she said. so when i started feeling kind of loopey i was glad that i had made plans to leave work early. by two hours later i was feeling part drunk, part sick, part giddy, part sideways (i don't know how else to explain that part). i thought i was just hungry so by the time dinner came and went, and i was now feeling drained of every ounce of my energy, i realized it was more than just hunger. that's when i connected the dots. it was the massage.

it took me a full six hours to start to pull out of it. it zapped me of everything i had. i'm not feeling sick anymore, or loopey. but i am still exhausted. while she was massaging me i remember twice thinking 'hum. something's happening'. there was a definite tingling and sort of releasing feeling while she was working on my neck and under my arms. i didn't know how right i was. something was definately happening that's for sure. so, if ever you find yourself getting a lymph massage, don't say i never told ya.

from what i hear (i've since looked into it) after the whole thing is over and you get some sleep you feel very good afterwards. i'm hoping that's the case. i'll keep ya posted. john too, ... since his appt is next week =)
k

detoxifying activities

2009-04-29T16:56:00.003-04:00

you're wondering what we're doing to download that crap out of our organs that's been dumped there by our blood after being spit out from our newly detoxed cells, huh? i know, i know, it's all you think about. ok, here it is (mostly)...

-kidney flush
-Indian tea
-detoxifying bath
-dry skin brushing
-sauna
-clay/mud wrap
-lymph drainage massage
-gallbladder and liver flush
-walking
-green tea
-herbal tea
-water water water
-herbal cleanse
-wheatgrass
-aloe

some of these are daily, some weekly, some only once throughout the program. some of these are easier than others. some are cheaper than others. some are weird. whatever.
we feel great.
k

Jesus

2009-04-28T12:09:00.001-04:00

Jesus
Jesus
Jesus

He is my strength.

That is all I have to say today.

rock on,
k

not so much

2009-04-27T08:28:00.003-04:00

so a dear friend of mine, in an attempt to be supportive, offered to get me a crazy straw to suck my green-ness through to make this whole ordeal more fun. sweet thought but it dawned on me that what we're drinking is so t-h-i-c-k and gelatenous that it would never be pulled through a straw with any normal human sucking action. ...a vacuum cleaner maybe.

maybe.

it was a kind thought though. thanks jen.
k

healing crisis

2009-04-26T23:05:00.002-04:00

so, apparently as the nutrition plan pulls the crap out of your cells, it then dumps it into your bloodstream, where it gets dumped into organs like the lymph nodes, liver, kidneys, colon and skin. there is a behavior/activity plan that you do at the same time that helps the body rid itself of those toxins from the organs they've now made their way into. ... but that's for another day.

today is info about the healing crisis. so, after the cell dump, before the detox behaviors/activities, all this crap is sitting around and it, well, it makes you kinda sick. the sicker you were when you began the detox, the sicker you may get during your healing crisis. although john held up like a trooper.

so we experienced: crankiness, vomiting, exhaustion, upset belly, dizzy spells, collapse, weird bruising, tenderness in random places like the inside of the knee and behind the ear, ear aches, runny nose, and on. luckily we alternated days so the kids always had at least one healthy, sane parent in the house.

so, there it is. our healing crisis. weird stuff.
k

i know i know

2009-04-25T16:11:00.002-04:00

today is the day i'm supposed to tell you about what a healing crisis is. but i'm in a time crunch so for now i'll just say that yesterday i vomited and john fell (we're both fine) and it wsas expected. today i fell against the wall and john said screw this and cooked up some veggies in extra virgin olive oil. he's still on board, a modified board, and that's totally ok. he needs to listen to his body. i get that. i need to listen to mine. i feel like i'm at an important place. like a break through is happening and if i modify today i will thwart it. so, i'm still in, per protocol.

the vomiting and falling over, along with dizziness, aggitation ... healing crisis. more tomorrow.

before closing i'd like to mention chapter 9, ... the chapter that tells you how to safely turn your digestive system back on. i read it last night. you have to introduce one food group at a time, one per day. starting, of course, with vegetables, then fruit.

apparently stromboli is not a food group.

anyway, you do it so slow that it takes a full one week.
one full week!
during that week you drink the usual gruel for the whole day but at lunch you get to have one cup of the new food (only one cup?!). so in actuality, you're still on the program for that whole week with the exception of one cup of food at lunch. i am trying not to tantrum.

then there's a 'maintenance schedule' for another week. it's eating, but it's very structured.

for anyone who's counting that's five weeks, not three. uuuuhhhh.... so, the reality is that this 21 day program is 35 days long. ...deceiving!
i know i know, had i read the whole protocol prior to starting the program i would have known that. whatever. i'm busy.

so anyway, i've decided to do the chapter 9 reintroduction of food next week. i'll still drink the juiced gruel all day but i'm introducing food back in at lunch, one cup at a time. at least that way it's only a month long thing instead of 5 weeks.

i have to say, i feel good. i feel better. there are things happening that i can't explain. john said that he is glad we did this b/c he knows it helped him. he said that the tingeling in his extremities has completely gone away since starting juicing. that's significant. i know that when i sleep, i sleep hard. and when i'm awake, i'm totally awake. there's no groggyness in the afternoon and no need to lay in bed a little longer in the morning. i truly do just pop up as soon as my eyes open.

so, it's hard as hell, and an extreme exercise in self discipline, but mentally and physically worth it.

the mentally part is probably a whole other post but this is enough for today.
k

day 12 of 21

2009-04-24T11:58:00.003-04:00

someone has asked about the kids and what they think of all this. answer: they could care less.

i do know that mary told her teacher (b/c she tells her teacher e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, my mother too, so i need to try and be somewhat normal at all times which gets old real fast) that "my mother is making my father drink everything juiced for three weeks b/c she wants him to be healthy again". it makes it sound like i hold a juicer to his head like a gun. stop! or i'll shoot you with this cucumber! ha. anyway, other than that, they could care. they've taken no interest. we did require them to play 'name that vegetable' in the kitchen the other day and discovered that we have woefully equipped them with healthy produce knowledge. so, that will be changing despite their protests.

it was also asked if it's hard to cook for them and not eat it. answer: not really.
while doing this i'm not hungry and not craving anything so the only time i want something i immediately realize that it's really only out of habit that i want to pop that pizza bite in my mouth so then the urge goes away. no biggie.

john, on the other hand, is hungry. this is getting to be a problem. we have already had him stop taking the digestive enzyme so he can make it the two hours before eating again and we have added protein and rice milk drinks (which was recommended for people with parasites anyway) and those helped for a bit but i noticed today that he is really cranky. for him that equates to hungry. ...oh, which reminds me, when i typed out what we eat the other day i forgot to mention the pot liquor. it's a vegetable soup that you make the night before with any veggies (though mostly green) and spices (but not black pepper) you want and it simmers overnight and then you can eat as much of that (either the broth or the veggies as long as you stick them in the blender) all day long. so he's been eating that a ton too.

i reminded him that he's 60 pounds heavier than i am (note: before he got sick that was closer to 100) and his body needs more calories than i do. he needs to stay on top of getting the soups and protein in him as well as the every two hour stuff or he may not be getting enough calories. this detox stresses that this is not a time to worry about too many caloires. it's not a diet, nor should it be used as such. i know he enjoys the amount of weight he's lost but this is sorta making me a little, .... um, not concerned. that's too strong a word. maybe worried? i don't know. anyway, he needs to eat more. he says he eats plenty. i'm not so sure. maybe. maybe not. maybe it's a healing crisis he's having but, again, this post is too long for me to get into that today so, see you tomorrow.

prayers for john's strength please.
thanks for caring,
k

day 11, ...half way done today!

2009-04-20T10:13:00.004-04:00

sorry about the lag in posts. i've been experiencing technical difficulties with my laptop.

so all is going pretty well thus far. i feel good, john feels good. i feel like crap. john feels like crap. it is what it is i guess. we both notice that we are sleeping deeper, waking up more refreshed, and overall feel pretty good. i have noticed that the whites of my eyes are whiter. whatever that means.

we have mastered the fine art of juicing e-x-a-c-t-l-y 16 oz of veggies at once with none to spare b/c we don't want anything to go to waste but, ... no one wants to drink the spare either, ...that is for sure.

i'm down 10 pounds which wasn't the point but hey my super black pants fit again just in time for today's board meeting at work so that's a plus. john is getting so rail thin he looks like the boy i started dating in feb 1994. wow. 15 years.
anyway, he says he feels good but now he's so thin that when people see him they think he's losing weight b/c he's sick again and not b/c he's getting well.
what i notice most is the loss of muscle mass since before he was sick. his body has really taken quite a toll this past 16 months. but it will come. one day at a time. one step at a time.

so, your all wondering about things like green grossness and poop huh? ha! well, our poop is fine so thanks for your concern. the green grossness, well, it may be the death of me.
MAN is it green and MAN is it gross.

so our day consists of:

8:30 am
berry drink
fiber drink
herbal tea
distilled water

10:30 am:
green drink
herbal tea

12:30 pm:
1 cup juiced veggies, mostly greens (kelp, collard greens, dandolions, asparagus, cucumber, swiss chard, BLECH)
1 digestive enzyme
fiber drink
distilled water

2:30 pm:
distilled water
green drink
herbal tea

4:30 pm:
berry drink

6:00 pm:
2 cups homemade vegetable soup (liquified)
herbal tea
digestive enzyme
fiber drink
distilled water

7:30 pm:
herbal tea

bedtime:
2 tbsps aloe vera gel

so, what is the worst part you ask? well, if you ask john he'd say the aloe vera gelatenous bitter nastiness. i say it's the veggie juice at lunch that smells like freshly cut grass after it's rained and it's stickin' to everything. it gets this skin on top of it between when you juice it at breakfast and drink it at lunch. you're supposed to drink it as soon as you juice it but when you're working, really what else can ya do. so, back to the skin. yeah, it gets this this spongy skin that you have to drink through to get to the juice below. i have nearly vomited on two occassions. GAG. we both agree that a close second place is the fiber drink. UGH. and we also both agree that almost any soup can be made to taste better if you just add more cayenne pepper. so, that's that for the food. (aka: drink).

the nutrition part of this is what detoxs crap out of the cells. it's primarily veggies b/c veggies detox, repair and feed cells, whereas fruit only feeds. this is more about the detoxing and repairing and less about the feeding. although i have to say that your body gets so much raw nutrition at close intervals that there really is no hunger. there's no cravings either. that's always good.

john does say he's hungry from time to time but due to the parasites he is supposed to drink a protein drink every now and then while on this detox whereas i'm not, so when he gets hungry i remind him to go have a protein drink and that seems to do the trick.

now, while there's no hunger, i do have to say that i miss food. i miss it like a dear friend that's gone on vacation for three weeks. i miss the smell of it, the taste of it, the texture on my tongue. i miss the 'occassion' of it. like, 'let's go to dinner tonight', or 'let's order in', or 'let's have popcorn with the movie'. so i miss it that way, but other than that, i'm ok.

so, as i was saying, the nutrition piece of all this clears the crap out of the cells, but then what? well, it seems that then the cells dump all this into the blood, where it then goes to the excretory organs of the body (lymph nodes, liver, kidneys, and colon). if it just sits there, you can get really sick so there are certain things that you're supposed to do to then clean this crap out of those organs. but that, ... is for another day. this post is long enough. i'll tackle what a 'healing crisis' is and what we've experienced so far at a later date too.

thanks for caring. keep praying! we want no relapses!
cheers and bottom's up!
k

day 4

2009-04-16T22:47:00.003-04:00

the word of the day is organization. john could no longer stand the clutter. can i just say that this detox has a lot of 'stuff', and i mean a LOT. juicers, produce, blenders, water jugs galore, produce, supplements, produce, lots and lots of cups, bowls and spoons, ... and more produce. it was like the kitchen had been taken over by all things green. no counter top space, no frige space. it was bad. anyway, he couldn't take it for another moment so there was a complete overhaul. i must say, it looks much better. thank you john.

so i was going to say yesterday that i wasn't as hungry but i forgot. so i was gonna tell you today.
... but i can't. b/c i'm hungry. grrrr.

today i had a reiki session. it was wonderful. john took an epsom salt, baking soda, lavender detoxifying bath. the bathroom smelled heavenly. tomorrow i'm hittin' the sauna. we've also been walking together every day. that's been lovely too. so, so far so good.

...well, except for the 'healing crisis' that seems to be emerging, primarily in john. but more on that tomorrow.
k

day 3

2009-04-15T17:33:00.003-04:00

what we've both noticed so far:

-wow, while you are doing this detox you are super awake when you are awake and you are dead to the world when you are asleep. we both have slept crazy hard these past two nights and have woken up in the morning with energy that lifts that usual foggy '5 more minutes' feeling.

-we've both lost weight, which wasn't the point but is a nice reward for the green gunk we consume.

-poop seems to be an issue. there's a tea for that. hoping it works. don't imagine i'll be blogging much about that but, Bevin, since you want every detail about this, you can email me directly if you like. =)

on a different note: john has had a tightening feeling around his toes for the past two days and i suddenly have a red spot on my hand that looks suspiciously like vasculitis. hhmmm??

i've had people ask me about the specifics of this detox but it really is too much to type. bascially it is veggies, water, veggies, tea, veggies, fruit, veggies, fiber, veggies, ... all liquid or soupy. during this time we are also doing nice things for ourselves that promote relaxation, enhanced health, and assists with the detoxification process: for example, sauna, clay wrap, salt massages, walking, sleeping, reiki, detox baths, exfoliation, kidney cleanse, gall bladder and liver flush, etc. of course john won't let anyone he doesn't know touch him so, ...not so much of the massage delight for john. i told him he doesn't know what he's missing.

there's a plan to come safely off the detox after all is said and done but that's chater 9 and i'm still figuring out my juicer.
k

day 2!

2009-04-14T20:44:00.003-04:00

carrots
sweet potatoes
yams
garlic
ginger
beets
purple cabbage
tomato
yellow squash
broccoli
celery
cilantro
cucumber
parsley
asparagus
kale
swiss chard
kale
collard greens
spinach
onions
green beans
cauliflower
turnip
watercress
scallions

woe. and let me just tell you this: it does not matter HOW MANY carrots you add to the dark green freshly juiced vegetables, ... it is still gag worthy.

john is wondering if we can find a way to juice a piece of chicken.
ha!

john's had some strange tingly feeling in his feet. not sure what the cause of that is. vasculitis? the detox? this flu-y thingy he's just coming off of? unsure. please pray it's not a big deal.

k
ps: we got the jack la lanne juicer. it came highly recommended by many people.
my opinion: it rocks as hard as equipment that makes green gross juice can rock.
beauty is in the eye of the beholder i guess.
19 days to go! =)

day 1

2009-04-13T22:16:00.002-04:00

i am hungry (i want to chew something). this is hard (the book lies). parts of it are gross (no one should ever have to drink aloe vera).

i do not have much more to say about this tonight.
i am hoping that the detox health muse will sit on the end of my bed while i sleep tonight and tomorrow i will be much more inspiring.

1 day down. 20 to go.
k
ps: john is not feeling well and it is not detox related. prayers for healing please. it's a flu-ish type thing (not the flu, but sort of that same 'under the weather, glassy eyed' type thing, but he doesn't have enough staff to be able to call in so he has to buck up and work.
he is a trooper but even troopers need prayer.
thanks.

odd

2009-04-08T08:23:00.002-04:00

john has been getting a burning sensation up his outer forearm that will actually turn the skin visibly red to the eye. like one minute it's fine and then he says it's burning and i look again and i can see from across the table that it's firey red. it's on and off for a few days now. he says it's happened on his leg(s?) too.
hum?

5 days till detox. i still need to buy a juicer.

speaking of which, do you have any idea how MANY TYPES of juices there are out there? oy.
k

well that doesn't sound good.

2009-04-05T22:56:00.002-04:00

so it seems that while doing this detox, if you are relatively healthy (me), you may suffer headaches, grumpiness, belly aches, lethergy, foggy brain, etc.
if, however, you are entering the detox ill or coming off the heels of a chronic illness (john) you can "expect the detox to mimic your illness's symptoms".

gulp.

and the answer is ...

2009-04-01T22:46:00.002-04:00

so i've been getting some questions. here's more info.

Q: what happens after 21 days? can you chew again?
A: yes, we can chew again =) (thank goodness b/c boy do i like chewing!)

Q: how do you stay detoxed? or is it just starting again with a new slate?
A: there’s no way NOT to toxify yourself again, so yes, it’s like starting with a sorta clean slate (there’s no way to get everything out. no way at all). we can make better choices about the crap we put in our bodies so as not to get so toxic-y gunked up, but it's really realatively inevitable that the gunk exists even where you can't see it.

the grad student in me is prompted to now cite you a bunch of sources, quotes and facts about 'toxic load' and the stastics of toxic exposure but honestly i am trying not to be a zealot or food police or anything like that. i need to keep my eye on the prize, ... a healthier john, a healthier family, a healthier me. you all can go read your own books. =) now excuse me while i go remove all bottles of bleach from my home. haha. mostly. ok no really i'm not kidding at all. get the bleach out of your house.

Q: do you have to do a full 21 days?
A: no. people can choose to do a different version, a shorter one, or can go back and forth along the year. maybe start out with the 21 days and then 6 months later do a week, and maybe throughout the year do a weekend per month. there’s 3 you can choose: 21 days, a week, a weekend. so, the theory is if you had a really binge wedding or holiday or something, you can kick start yourself back with the 2 day gig. if you’ve been doing ok but not super, then do a week. if you’ve never done it or you want to make it an annual event, then it’s 21 days. they do not recommend going longer the 21 days or doing the 21 day more than once or twice per year.

i’ll type more details as I learn more over the next 2 weeks.

no chewing. Oy. did I mention I love to chew?
k

bottoms up!

2009-03-31T23:08:00.004-04:00

so, after much research on this upcoming detox we're going to do, reading and cross referencing, thinking about it, noticing all the ways the plan works with john's limitations and all the ways the end results speak exactly to his needs, ... after all that, ... somehow i missed something.

i think it was referenced here and there, and yet somehow i missed it until PAGE 84. yes, there it was, on page 84, my new detox reality, ... we will be "consuming our nutrients in liquid form".

huh? liquid form? well, yes, juices and soups. right?
ohhh no. ALL nutrients are to be in liquid form.

F#%@!

now, do NOT start emailing me and telling me how crazy this is. i KNOW. save the key strokes. i KNOW. but here's the thing, everything i said in that first paragraph, and everything i said in the last post, ... still all true. nothing's changed. it's harder, yes. but this plan is still the best one i can find for john. it SO speaks to what he needs. and that is all that matters. let me remind everyone, 95% of disease can be linked back to environment and nutrition. 50% of all vasculitis patients relapse. 10% die.

so, say it with me, ... bottoms up!

april 13 is day 1 of 21. over the next 2 weeks we need to read more, get our heads right, get our kitchen right, buy a juicer, and make a plan.
so, that's what we shall do.

and do not worry. this program is healthy and balanced. it is chock full of nutrients, 24 servings of fruits and veggies a day (i don't eat that many in a week), eating every two hours. it educates about the three levels of food, the healing power of different food colors, how to make fresh soups, and how to choose a water (who knew?). it teaches about vitamins and supplements, natural antioxidents and digestive enzymes. it educates about how to shop smarter, about the systems of the body, the organs' functions, and it values the brain's ability to listen to the body. finally, it speaks to the whole person: mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. it's all good.
...it just doesn't let ya chew anything. =)

please do not fight us on this. please wish us well. we will need it. this will be so hard but so physically important. i'll keep you posted along the way.
thanks for your support.
k

tulips and open toed shoes and martha's vineyard

2009-03-27T17:46:00.002-04:00

you thought i was going to say we're going to martha's vineyard didn't ya? ha. no way sister. and miss out on all this 'it's 68 degrees, oh no wait it's snowing' weather? no way.
my tuplis are popping through though and i do have open toed shoes on as i type this so things are still pretty good.

as for martha, ... that's the detox we've decided to do. the Martha's Vineyard 21 day detox. (it's also called 21 pounds in 21 days but weight loss is so not the goal here). I've researched it and it seems to be one of the most wholesome yet manageable detoxs out there. it removes from the body food toxins, metals, household toxins, water toxins, environmental toxins, toxins in products we use, ...and, say it with me, ...parasites! it's big on removing parasites. that is perfect for john. it's also safe for someone who is getting over an illness (some are too harsh). it seems balanced from what i can tell, though i'm not done reading up on it yet.

we have also agreed that we both want to start walking. this is good for him b/c any intense activity can trigger a relapse so walking is about as good as it gets besides swimming. and it's good for me b/c of my hip injury. (no more running for me, boo hiss).

in any event, that's our new deal. not sure when we're starting yet. we do fish dinners with the folks on fridays during lent and then there's easter, ... mmmm, ... ham. i know i know. bigger picture. whatever. do your own detox. i think we're starting on monday april 13, ... the day after easter. =)
k

the eagle has landed!

2009-03-24T09:14:00.002-04:00

or the robin red (orange) breast rather. we have not one but TWO sightings in the front yard.
of course it took me ten solid minutes to scrape the ice off the windshield this morning but whatever.

so john and i have been talking about this detox thing. i must admit, it scares me. it scares me b/c i know what absolute crap i felt like when i did it for just 15 days (the one we plan to do is 21 days) and i was healthy (he really isn't). so, i'm nervous for me and scared for him but everytime i remind myself that we have not cleansed him of those parasites we saw swim by the slide in his blood sample last november i get all icky. we simply must be rid of the parasites.
they can't be good for his body.
yuck.
k

clarification

2009-03-22T16:40:00.002-04:00

by "impaled by a bee" i meant from the front end, not the rear end. he slammed into my face flying at full speed and then bounced off and flew away. there was no stinger involved.
just a momentary cheek dent. thank you for your concern =)

john has decided it's time for him to finally start the parasite cleanse. he's going to detox at the same time. so, expect tons of lethergy and belly-sicky feeling. (ya know, while he's working a gazillion hours. that should be fun).
but also expect improvement at the end of it all.
unsure of the details just yet (what detox he'll do, or when hell start) but suspect very soon.
i'm going to do it with him. ugh. let the headaches begin.
i'll keep ya posted.
k

nonnie nonnie boo boo

2009-03-21T20:45:00.003-04:00

so john says he wants me to shut down the blog.

i told him, "ha".

he doesn't know the password and neither do you.
so there.
k
ps: happy first day of spring, yesterday. the pussywillows are officially out. i'll keep ya posted on the tulips and/or robin orange breast.

think spring

2009-03-18T17:03:00.004-04:00

so, all in one day i:
-saw blue sky and felt warm sunshine
-got the side of my face impaled by a bee
-heard the rumblings of a motorcyle in the distance
-saw a squirrel sunbathing
-listened to a song bird in my yard
-sent my kids out on a bike ride
-heard the roar of base music from someone's open car window
-saw geese heading north
-saw a person in shorts
-smelled a skunk (haha. i almost wrote 'smelt')

the only things i still need to make it officially spring is pussywillows on my mother's tree top, tulips peeking from the dirt, and a red breasted robin (which my daughter annually reminds me is actually orange breasted).

surely spring is just around the corner.
so i got to thinking about last year at this time. last year at this time john was at his abosolute worst but finally coming out of the hospitalizations. the doctors told us, 'you should begin to see signs of improvement in the spring'. we did not, but it was still a time of hope. this year is so different. he is improving in many ways and holding steady in many ways. i am thankful that he does not appear to be losing ground in any ways.
...it is still a time of hope.

let the spring begin.
k

we continue to...

2009-03-10T08:57:00.002-04:00

keep pluggin' along. so far so good i think.

i also think that john may be keeping some aches and pains from me. he slips from time to time and mentions something new as though he's told me in the past, numbness in the legs and such, but he's not previously told me so when i question him about it he sort of verbally retreats. i need to let him be him though so i don't push.

he still really needs to do the parasite cleanse and the fungus/bacteria cleanse and the 7 system organ detox, ... but he's working so many hours still that he's afraid it will just wipe him out. which, it probably would.
we are starting interviews with this next batch of applicants this week so prayers for at least 3 or 4 of them to not be wack jobs would be super.

all in all i think he is doing pretty well.
thanks for caring,
k

john remains...

2009-03-03T12:13:00.001-05:00

cancer free!

do i have to stick a note to your forehead when you go to doctor visits?

2009-02-26T22:15:00.002-05:00

so john's doc appt was today. the doc said he looked good, weight loss is good, blood clot looks good. will see him again in 6 months, though he still needs to get blood tested for the cancer between now and then. he'll do that via his general doc.

so, john, did you get your blood draw today?
yup.
did they give you the results?
no.
when will you get the results?
i don't know.
huh? did you ask?
no.

seriously?

so, now we wait.
k

ooohhhh, right. i'd forgotten.

2009-02-26T08:14:00.003-05:00

so john reminded me that he has his 3 month doc visit today.
yep.
at 11:00.
yep.
and they'll do a blood draw.
yep.
to check for cancer.

ooooohhhh, right. i'd forgotten.

f*#k.

how could i have forgotten that the chemo they had him on can cause cancer so for the next 3 years every 3 months he has to be blood tested for cancer of the bladder and/or leukemia? how could i have forgotten that pesky little note of information?

again i say, denial is a powerful coping mechanism.

so, it seems that today we shall be tested for cancer.

and again i say, f*#k.

k

john has a doctor's appt on thursday...

2009-02-24T23:18:00.002-05:00

it's just a routine visit scheduled 3 months ago. i don't imagine much worth mentioning will happen. but i guess we'll see.

tomorrow morning john is a guest speaker for the rotary. the rotary. i imagine this will lead to referrals. that is great and that sucks. and that sucks and that is great.

love,
the girl who does not know if the glass is half full or half empty. all she knows is she'd like to drink what's in the glass. cheers.

if i shut my eyes and plug my ears maybe it will all go away...

2009-02-23T22:28:00.004-05:00

i hate telling you this. i hate typing it. i hate saying it and therefore i have not REALLY said it to anyone (so those who do not read this blog and think that's fine b/c i'll just tell them, ... phooey on them b.c i do not want to talk about it); here goes, ... john is not doing well.

vasculitis spots are back on his arm, leg, eyelid. yes, they vanish before spreading like wildfire but it's still just not good. his numb feet for hours has developed into numb from waist down for days. his blood in the nose mucus is back. he reports weird tingling, ringing, prickley, numbing. he 'looks' different.

i am in the biggest case of denial i think possible. truly. i know this blog is not about me but i need for whoever reads this (all 2 or so of you) to know that when i say i'm fine, i'm not. when i say he's doing ok, he's not. it's not that i'm being difficult. it's that i simply cannot go to that place in my head again right now. i cannot have that conversation with you. the only way i can even bring myself to type this is b/c i know in apx 3 minutes i will be done, i will close the computer up, and i will go back to my happy state of wackadoo denial. i am starting to experience anxiety attacks that i have not had in a very long time and every night for four nights in a row i have had terribly violent, sinister, bad bad dreams (very unlike me).

i'm sure i'm probably over reacting (no i'm not). and i'm sure that all illnesses come and go to some degree and that's to be expected (no i'm not). and i'm certain this is nothing when you look at the big picture and he'll pop back to 'improving' at any moment (no i'm not).
it is a constant battle in my head.

and i see john tryinig not to be scared, or show any fear, or over react, or see the glass as half empty. i see him fight daily for health. i see him eat better and rest when he can. i see him take his wellness seriously for the first time in the 15 yrs i've known him. i see him be so happy to get back to building his business and contribute to the family and care for the kids. i see him take vitamins daily, pray, read about nutrition, try new foods, drink more water.
... and still, when he finds new spots, i see a powerful and undeniable flash of absolute drop dead fear in his eyes. and then, as fast as can be, he pretends that he did not have the flash of fear and i pretend that i did not see it. but i know he had it. and he knows i saw. it breaks my heart.

i cannot talk about that anymore. no no no no no no no.

i just keep hoping that things will level off and go back to 'improving'. 'improving' was such a nice place to be. i am returning there now. you cannot stop me. i cannot hear you.
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.........

please pray. we cannot redo 2008 or worse. this 'not so good turn' needs to turn back. it simply must.
k

the spot

2009-02-21T23:00:00.002-05:00

john has a spot. it's on his eyelid. it's itching him terribly. the last time he scratched an itchy spot (on his leg) it left a huge blue scar.

the good news, his entire body is supposed to look that way after a wave of vasculitis and he only really has the one ugly spot so he is blessed in that.

the frustrating news, ... boy his eye itches. knowing if he scratches he could scar his face must be terribly irritating.

the bad news, his feet are now routinely going numb for almost whole days at a time, spots are appearing more frequently (though they are not staying long so that's good) and he says he just "doesn't feel good" anymore.

i'm pretty certain this is his work load negatively impacting his progress. we're still searching for reliable staff. he works so many shifts right now that if he were to get suddenly really ill again we'd lose the business, ... again. we're calling to place another help wanted ad on monday. in the meantime we've been contacted by a gentleman for john to speak in front of the rotary on wednesday to spread the word about the business and also he may be featured in the local paper. wow. such good news at such a bad time. we can hardly handle the clients we have. but who can turn away from this kind of randoom opportunity that's presented itself? so, we move on, praying that our pool of employees can grow as fast as our client base.

normally i'd say this is a 'good problem' to have. but nothing's been normal since jan 8, 2008. chronic illness changes everything.
k

that nasty little thing called henoch-schonlein purpura hypersensitivity vasculitis

2009-02-18T23:25:00.004-05:00

so john said to me today, "my feet are totally numb".
"what?" i said.
"numb. 100%. have been pretty much on and off for weeks now", he said.
uuuh, thanks for keeping me updated?

in his next breath, "i'm not feeling well".
oy! i didn't even ask how long that's been going on.

i knew that he was still sick, though it's so handy to try and live in a lovely world of denial. i also knew that working as many hours as long as he has been now would surely take a toll. but agian i say, De Nile is a river i enjoy boating softly on. come feel the breeze with me. fruity cocktail anyone?

so, enter reality.
john is still sick. better than last year for sure but still sick nonetheless.
we've GOT to get some decent staff before this goes to far. he needs rest and the ability to elevate his legs on a routine basis. his current schedule will not allow that.
request please: prayers for decent staff.

thanks.
k

today i heard...

2009-02-13T08:20:00.003-05:00

a song bird.

it was a reminder of better times and a hope for times to come.

john is doing well, mostly. he is working to build the business back up. while that is good news, it also poses some challenges. the hardest being, until he gets new staff hired and trained, ... new RELIABLE staff, he is working almost around the clock. (his business that he is now rebuilding after having lost it last year due to the illness is Mint Care, elderly companion services. www.mintcare.com). The vasculitis teases and taunts to return as he goes sleepless nights caring for others and spends whole 48 hour stretches on his feet. he needs rest and to raise his legs for periods of time and with this schedule he simply cannot do that. he says it feels good to work again, to contribute to the family this way again, and i get that. he also gets that he is jeopardizing the progress that he's made if he continues on this path much longer (it's been about 6 weeks now).

so, for my specific prayers out there, ... please pray that john finds new, quality, RELIABLE (man o man people call off with little to no notice a lot) staff sooner rather than later and that in the meantime his body and mind can withstand the physical and mental demands that fatigue, exhaustion and over exertion can create. pray that the vasculits stays at bay while he seeks out new staff.

that is our prayer.

thanks for still caring.
k

so the good news is...

2009-02-11T22:23:00.002-05:00

i really don't have anything new to post.

ISN'T THAT FABULOUS???!!!

lesson: never underestimate the power of status quo.

we're still doing the naturopath's recommended steps. john is coming along slowly but very surely. we all seem to be doing pretty well with the vitamins and increased knowledge regarding nutrition and chemicals.

i feel like i've been holding my breath for 13 months. i am just now feeling like i can
...maybe
...just maybe
...dare i say
exhale.

never doubt whether or not ...

2009-02-04T17:37:00.002-05:00

cherry flavored cod liver oil ACTUALLY tastes like cherry flavored fish.

it does.

Yum-o!

2009-02-01T17:35:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow we begin, ... cod liver oil! I just can't hardly gag. Errr, i mean, wait. i can't wait.
k

Mint Care, ... it's what's best!

2009-01-31T09:40:00.003-05:00

wasn't it just new years? where did the month go? anyway, it was a pretty good month.

john is improving. slowly-slowly-slowly but surely. slow and steady wins the race, yes?

john is working again on a routine basis. he has begun the hard work of rebuilding his business that was lost last year (Mint Care: Elder Companion Service). so far, so good. he has a few new accounts and a few new employees. it feels good to see him look closer to what 'normal' used to be, but even, dare i say, ... healthier. his color is better. his weight is better. his nutritional habits are better. he cannot exercise at all just yet, even the slightest activity starts the vasculitis spots back up. i am trying to encourage him to consider nonimpact activities like yoga or swimming. we shall see.

it also feels good that in an economy where businesses are closing and employees are being laid off, we are building and hiring. i'm certain that that is God's way of using our blessings to in turn bless others. God rocks.

please keep praying. prayer is powerful stuff.
thanks,
k

and this week we're on to...

2009-01-26T19:40:00.002-05:00

evening primrose oil! yumm-o.

things are still improving!

my unsolicited advise to all of you, ... if you feel like crap, get yourself to a naturopath pronto.
it has changed our world.

k

Time to sing that tune again!

2009-01-23T17:05:00.002-05:00

Happy 11th Birthday to Isaiah!!

woo-hoo!

John took the day to spend with Isaiah. Very nice.
k

over and done

2009-01-22T22:03:00.002-05:00

today is the last day of my 7 system cleanse. all i have to say is that john better take a vacation from life when he plans to do this b/c it was a 15 day cleanse and the fatigue lasted about 13 of those days, no joke.

no, seriously. it kicked my butt.
seriously.
at times i was so drained i wanted to literally start crying.

i'm not sure what i'll do next; right now i am joining john in his newest vitamin, milk thistle. he is doing really well with all of this. i simply cannot believe the difference in quality of life this has made for him and, in turn, the rest of us.

tomorrow is Isaiah's 11th birthday. last year john was released from the hospital on today's date. this year, he spent today buying cupcakes for the classroom, ordering a cake for us to celebrate at night, buying presents and balloons, ...
what a difference a year makes.

God is good.
k

happy birthday to john!

2009-01-19T22:24:00.003-05:00

today is john's birthday. glory be!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOHN (cha cha cha)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOHN (cha cha cha)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JOOOOHN
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOHN! (cha cha cha, oooh la la!)

what a difference a year makes.
last year john was violently ill, hospitalized, in terrible pain and virtually non-responsive on his birthday. the kids were scared, i was scared, we were all stressed out, the doctor wasn't certain john was going to live, ... it was horrible.

this year, ... today, ... we ate a super healthy breakfast together, went to chuck e. cheese and played played played, came home and had a party with my mom, dad and brother, ate a yummy dinner, sang, blew wishes, opened gifts gifts gifts, and Wii bowled until bed time. SUCH an improvement over last year!

the best part was the playing. it was just so wonderfully normal and happy and healthy. my dad commented that john looks so much better, "his color is so much better". it really is. dad hasn't seen john since he started the naturopath stuff. it's making such a difference. it's truly amazing.

today john started the next step of his wellness plan: milk thistle.
milk thistle helps the liver and john's was all out of whack so, bring on the thistle!
as we add one new thing per week to his plan, we're getting closer and closer to the end of the list which means, ... pretty soon, ... dunt dunt duuun... cod liver oil. but we'll get to that soon enough. for now, it's milk thistle.

john has not done any of the cleanses yet b/c he's seen the one i'm on knock me on my butt and he just cannot deal with that right now while he is trying to get his business back up and running. it will come with time. for now he's doing so well just introducing one new vitamin per week. he's down about 25 pounds just from eating healthier and, with the exception of the fatigue from working full shifts again, he seems to be regaining some quality of life. i am so curious to see what his blood shows after 6 months or so going in this direction.

we truly are exceptionally blessed. i am so thankful. we are so thankful.
and thank you, too, for those of you who check into this blog, care enough to worry the worries and celebrate the celebrations with us.
please continue to pray that we have found a solid course to wellness and quality of life for our whole family but most especially for john who continues to fight this disease and refuses to give in to the doubts and anxiety that accompany it. that kind of resilence takes fortitude.
to all my specific pray-ers out there, please pray for continued fortitude.

'happy birthday to john' ... sing it with me!!
k
xoxo

random updates

2009-01-15T12:14:00.002-05:00

a day or so after both john and i had those bad dreams about the vasculitis on his face, he got a vasculitis spot under his eye. odd
john, about a week ago, had a strip of vasculitis up his calf. it seems its only purpose is to tease us into madness. also, around the same time, he had severe numbness in the crook of his leg (where the knee bends). he said it was completely numb for many hours. that's new
i am on day 9 of the cleanse. the new 'side effect' (for lack of better words) is, ...HUNGER. i am famished. FAMISHED i say. rememeber the 'i haven't been this tired since the first trimester of pregnancy' statement? well, "i haven't been this hungry since the first trimester of pregnancy". that's all the first trimester was for me, fatigued and starving. seems a cleanse mirrors that for me
john has been working many hours. he seems to be holding up not as well as pre-2008 but WAY better than just a few months ago and even, really, just a few weeks ago. i think we are on to something with this naturopath stuff. quality of life may not be a distant memory after all.
k

Happy Ukrainian New Year!

2009-01-13T11:38:00.002-05:00

John started the metal chelating pills yesterday. This should start to purge the metals and chemicals out of his cells that are a result of the chemo he went through last summer. I am starting week 2 of the 7 system cleanse. I am happy to report that so far he has no side effects from anything he's introduced into his system, he's down 25 pounds since starting all of this healthy living, and he's making consistently good nutritional choices. I am also happy to report that my cleanse induced raging headaches, indigestion, gurggly bully, and lethergy have passed. I am feeling brilliantly normal today. I'll take normal wherever I can get it.

I miss my Goo; though I feel her around me pretty often.
k

bad dreams

2009-01-11T22:35:00.002-05:00

two nights ago I had a terrible dream that john got his vasculitis back. it was a strip up the center of his face like a bike tire ran him over. it was bright red spots that were raised and blistery. it was terrible. absolutely terrible.
and i did not tell him about the dream.
i did not tell anybody.

then today john woke up and said, "i had a terrible dream last night that my vasculitis was back. it was bad. it was all bright red and raised like blisters". i could feel his anxiety. it was horrible.

i think that's all i have to say about that.
k

naturo-update

2009-01-09T14:23:00.002-05:00

so, john did not want to start the cleanse this week since he is trying to slide his way back into the work world as gingerly as possible considering he has one client right now that is high maintenance and few staff.

so, this week we've both started a mega dose multi-vitamin and tri-complex fiber.
i went ahead and started the 15 day cleanse as planned b/c it dawned on me that we have no idea what this will be like so maybe me doing it first will help him with what to expect (not that every body responds the same).

so far day one brought the most raging headache i have ever experienced with the exception of the one migraine i've had in my life. truly, i thought something in my head was going to rupture and i would slip into a quiet coma. it suuuuucked.
day 2 and 3 brought the most intense lethergy i have experienced since that first trimester of pregnancy. remember that? it suuuuucked. let's put it this way, i fell asleep at mary's girl scout meeting (luckily, i am not the leader this year. haha) while they were having 45 minutes of 8-year-old screaming relay races.
them: AHHHHHHHHH!!! WOOT WOOT!! YEEEEE HAAAA! AHHHHHHHH!!!
me: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

today is day 4. today i am to up the number of pills taken. today i have belly pains. there is somethin' goin' on in my intestine that probably should not be occuring in the workplace.
woe.

anyway, so, i think it's fair to say that i'm glad he's not doing this while also trying to reacclimate to the work world.

peace out,
k

seriously? SERIOUSLY?!?

2009-01-08T23:17:00.003-05:00

today is january 8. it is the one year anniversay of john getting ill.

today he woke up with vasculitis spots on his legs.

you have GOT to be kidding me. seriously?!!?

the fake bloody hand...

2009-01-03T21:37:00.008-05:00

the christmas tree - part 2.

so, i guess in the spirit of full disclosure i should mention the other thing i found on my christmas tree as i sat looking at it lovingly; ... a fake bloody hand.

yes, compliments of my husband, my kids own whoopie cushions, cans and cans of silly string, fake thumb tips, various hats including a turkey, a hamburger, a viking, a nemo fish, and a dr. seuss hat, to name a few. they own magic tricks, a bubble machine, a karioke machine, a spooky halloween fogger, a disco ball, a chocolate fountain AND, ... a fake bloody hand, the likes of which is sticking out of my lovely tree as we speak. carefully placed there by, well, really any one of the four of them could have done it. your guess is as good as mine. my kids have inherited a love of play from john. he reminds us to not sweat the small stuff. another excellent lesson learned in '08.

why do i mention this? b/c while it was in fact God's grace that got us through last year, as mentioned in my last post, it was john's humor that reminded my kids of who we are even in the midst of turmoil.

we are townsons. and townsons loooove to have fun.

now you'll excuse me while i go remove the fake bloody hand off my lovely, teary-eyed, sentimental tree. i think i shall put it on the shower floor and see who finds it tomorrow.

i am, after all, a townson. =)

k

1.2.09

2009-01-02T17:19:00.015-05:00

the christmas tree - part 1.

i don't know that this post is appropriate.

i have friends who blog about their lives and i love reading those but that was not what this blog was set apart to do. it was created to be a vehicle to communicate to others who wanted to know about john's progress with his illness.

there have been times that i wanted to say something but for the most part filtered it b/c john's illness is not about me and i never wanted it to turn into that. that having been said, as we enter into 2009, just six days away from the anniversary of john getting ill, i find that i have something i want to share with you all. (haha, 'you all'. as though there is an 'all'. ok, so, something i want to share with the three or four of you) =)
i've decided to go ahead and do so b/c, quite honestly, i'm pretty certain that this would not have happened to me had i not just spent the last year in the school of life, post john's diagnosis. so, in reality, it's still related. it's related to what i typed over there on the right side, in the brown boldface; "life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. it is about learning to dance in the rain".

that is my mantra for 2009. i invite you to join me in that.
so, here is my story. it is not earth shattering, but it is significant...

each year we put up the christmas tree. it's usually artificial and each year i have this picture in my head of what it 'should' look like. (ya know, like that picture in my head of how life 'should' look. insert wild waves of laughter here. hahahahaha).

ok, so, each year we string the damn lights to perfection. it takes forever. the dust from crawling up under the tree to get them in just the right spot sets off my allergy to all things dusty and soon i look like someone's punched me in both eyes.

then, i set to the task of straightening out the branches, 'right, left, up, right, left, up, right, left, up'; all the way around the tree, then move up 12 inches and repeat, and repeat and repeat, to the top.

then the ornaments come out. so, there's two kinds of ornaments, ... there's the georgeous ones that look like something out of Southern Living magazine, muted gold tones and ancient reds with golden hues adorned with gold leaf, and there's those the kids made or were given to us as kid gifts (dora, trains, dinasours, etc).

each year when all is said and done (about 2 coughing, frustrated hours later), i would stand back and enjoy my tree, ... though i silently lamented that with all the kid stuff it just wasn't what i had set out to create.

so last year we had the 'ornament incident' (dunt dunt dunnnnn) ...music.
everything somehow broke. i'm not sure what happened. it was sort of like life in 2008, ironically.

things sort of disappeared, or tarnished, or broke completely. interestingly enough, this was true only for the store bought pretty ones. by the time i was done unpacking them, there were hardly any left. in the rush to get the task at hand done, i got them up on the tree and went on with the business of daily life. when christmas was over and i was taking things down i didn't like the mismatch i had left so i said, 'forget it', and i threw everything store bought and pretty away (there wasn't much left) fully intending to go out this year and purchase all new.
also, at some point, we decided to throw away the tree too, as it was just so old that it had rusted out.

and then january 8, 2008 happened. and john said, 'what are these spots on my ankles?' and the world as i knew it imploded. he lost his health, his independence, and his income, almost his life. by 08's christmas, there was no money to be had for new ornaments or a tree and quite honestly, i had forgotten about it completely anyway. until it was time to decorate...

skipping ahead: after a few weeks of, 'should we have a tree?', 'maybe we should skip a tree', and a friend giving us a tree that was about 2 feet too tall for my living room so we donated it to the church and went back to, 'maybe we should not have a tree', ... one night we're sitting around with my brother and the kids not feeling very christmas-y without a tree so aj, my brother, said, 'well lets go get one right now'. john suggested, of all places, Big Lots, where of course it is ok to go into the store at 9:30pm in your jammies (which i was), and suddenly off we all went. TO BIG LOTS!! ta-daa! (odd. i know).

we get there and the only tree that looked like anything worth having and wasn't a million bucks (at big lots?) was gone except for the floor model. the guy said, 'you can have that one'. uhh, ok. so, it seems that for only $90 we were able to walk out of the store with a lovely, PRE-LIT thank you very much, and only THREE PIECE artificial tree. it was the oddest, EASIEST thing EVER. threw it in the back of the van, drove 5 minutes home, we each carried a piece in the house, stacked it in the living room, 1-2-3, plugged it in, ...DONE.

DONE i say! and the angels sang b/c it was the ONLY thing in 2008 to go easily.
i mean it.

so how's this all tie to john's illness?

i'm getting to it. long post, i know. you can take an intermission if you like.

continuing...
so we pull in the bin with the ornaments and unload it and then i remember, ... i threw everything out last year. all we have are what the kids have made or what's been given to the kids. hmmm. ok, well, that will have to do. it's not going to win me a cover shot on the O at Home Magazine Special Holiday Edition, but whatever. so we put everything on, 1-2-3, and were done in like 5 minutes.

FIVE minutes i say! and the angels sang again.

so there it was, our tree for '08. we had a tree.
and then...

it was the next day and i found that i was looking at that tree a lot. a-LOT.
seriously, i look at it a lot even still.
that tree speaks to me. it captivates me. it comforts me.
let me tell you what i see...

-popsicle sticks glued in the shape of a perfect star with flashy sequins stuck on and a picture of Mary in the middle.

-gingerbread men and Bob the Builder and the Cat in the Hat (those who know kids shows and stories will know what i mean).

-a pic of Noah dressed in angelic white with a halo of golden fuzz and white feather angel wings cut from the shape of his little hands.

-candy canes and snowmen and pengins.

-the rear end of a green-painted, foam grinch sticking out of a toilet paper roll chimney made by Isaiah.

-ribbons and homemade photo frames of little pre-k townsons and glass blown ornaments made by the tiny mouths of my children.

-painted tiny handprints and 1st grade foam reindeer and pics of john and me in bettter days.

-snow flakes cut by little hands and painted pine cones and a silver bell crafted by an upside down, aluminum foil-covered dixie cup.

-a kindergarten wreath made of dried shredded wheat cereal covered by green food coloring with a bright red bow for hanging.

-the biggest, fattest, hand woven, laminated, paper plate ornament you've ever seen. it hangs on the tree like a festive, surreal dinner plate.

and all of this is on the most perfectly lit, three piece, easy-schmeazy, lovelist tree you've ever seen. no stress. no mess. no huge amount of money. no hours wasted fixing lights or straightening branches, and no allergies flared.
...just love.

and THEN, .... and i mean REALLY then, ... the angels sang.

b/c i got it. it clicked.
THIS is what matters: my family.
THIS is the only thing that didn't fall apart this year.
THIS and God's grace are what got us through.

the '08 townson tree is the most wonderful, perfect, fun, festive, beautiful, colorful, tree in ALLLLL the land. trees on magazine covers pale in comparison b/c my FAMILY decorated this tree in love over the last ten years and i failed to recognize or value that.

shame on me. and thank you God that i get it now.

i must look at that tree adoringly 15 or 20 times a day. it represents what john and i created.
it will stay up until Ukrainian new years (jan 13th) in honor of my grandma ("Goo") who passed this year. she 'got' me. she showed me kindness in my childhhood. she valued family. she adored my kids. she adopted john as her son. she is on my tree too... at the top of the tree hangs a gorgeous, pain-stakingly hand-made ornament made for me by my grandpa Hydzik (Goo's husband, also passed).

2008 sucked ass. it really did. you can't fight me on that.
john's health. really stressful stuff at my work. the economy. grad school obsticles. our finances.
and i thank God that it happened exactly as it did.

i still have a lot to learn, but i think that john's illness helped me successfully graduate to the next grade. lessons learned.

life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. it's about learning to dance in the rain.

thank you for giving a crap about my family, checking in on this blog, and praying for us.
may God bless you the way He's done us.
now bring on 2009!

xoxo
k

12.31.08

2008-12-31T13:25:00.003-05:00

yesterday was the 30th, happy birthday to me!

today is the 31st, happy new year's to you!

so far so good with the naturopath route we're exploring. there was a hiccup with the digestive enzymes but i'm going to wait before posting to see if it was a coincidence. more to come maybe, but hopefully not. hopefully it will work itself out. i'm feeling pretty positve about it. john seems to really be benefitting from all this so far.

we discussed how john's doctor isn't 'bad'. his goal was for john to not die. life. that's it. that was the goal. so by that definition, he succeeded. and we are thankful.
but beyond that, there's 'quality of life'. that's what we need now. and it seems that that is the goal of the naturopath: not just to be alive, but to feel like that's actually better than just dying and getting it over with (which is pretty much where the western doctor left us). so, we are going to stay with both and see where that gets us.

next week, ... a 7 system organ cleanse! yee-haw! (yuck).

anyway, here's to the end of the year. it pretty much kicked our asses. '08 can't end soon enough if you ask me.
may '09 bring good health, good health, and more good health. to us, you, and those we love.

peace, love, joy.
k

12.29.08

2008-12-29T23:29:00.002-05:00

today john started the digestive enzymes, while continuing the probiotics that went well last week. so far so good!
k

12.28.08

2008-12-28T12:41:00.003-05:00

life is good. there's a list of not so great things that i am choosing to keep behind my teeth and instead focus on what's going right...

since the week of detox john has been in less pain, had less inflammation, droppped some weight and feels overall a bit better than before.

john's family came over on chrsitmas eve and put the toilet in the new bathroom. then we went to church with my family.

john has picked up a new client that keeps him busy much of the time. this helps with his mood. it keeps him feeling productive and it also distracts him a bit i think.

chrsitmas and all the activities that go with it went really well. we have groovy kids.

john took me out to dinner last night. one of the rare times that we've been alone as actual grown ups in quite some time. the food and company were both lovely.

we' ve worked out a few financial things that should make the new year a bit better. and we also have been literally showered with blessings from people around us that love us.

i have decided it's time to get back into grad school (i took a leave when john got so sick last jan).

john has done super on the probiotics and tomorrow starts the digestive enzymes.

so, that's all really good.
over and out.
k

12.23.08

2008-12-23T16:32:00.002-05:00

to put things into perspective...

so last night we are on the couch and we're watching "medical mysteries" on tv. a 25 year old male presents at the doctor with a terrible rash, severe joint pain, intense swelling, ... sound familiar?

fast forward to the end of the segment, ... the male is finally diagnosed with vasculitis. but not just any vasculitis, oh no, hypersensitivity henoch-schleoin purpura vasculitis.

the doctors interviewed go on to say statements such as:
"since this is normally found in children it was very hard to diagnose someone at the age of 25. somenoe that old acquiring the disease is very rare."
(john was 11 days shy of 37).
"this condition is so rare and hard to diagnose, I've only seen it in textbooks while in medical school."
"this disease is so rare, I've only seen about 5 cases of it in adulthood in all my 25 years of practicing medicine."
"this disease is so serious that many patients succomb to the condition via organ failure."
"this disease systematically shuts down the body's organs."

then they flashed to the patient in present day. he is TWO years into his outbreak and has not seen remission yet. He is still covered in tiny broken blood vessels. he is stil relatively debilitated. wow.

we are blessed.
k

12.22.08

2008-12-22T18:55:00.002-05:00

let me begin by saying, holy crap it's cold here. i only mention this b/c the cold makes john's joint pain worse. which sucks for him. and makes me somewhat cranky. which also most likely sucks for him. teehee.

today is day 7 of 7 for the 'this detox is so healthy is may kill me' diet. the trick now will be to re-enter the food world gingerly and not dive into a bloomin' onion from outback.

today john started his probiotic. the plan is to introduce one new thing per week so if there's a reaction we'll know where to start looking. this week, probiotic (i'm doing this too). next week, diestive enzymes for the leaky gut (i'm opting out). the following week he'll do his first cleanse. i have no idea which one yet. then one new thing a week for a few weeks, then a cleanse, etc etc.

john has lost 15 pounds and me 7. he smiles at that. ha. i remind him that weight loss was NOT the goal and maybe that means he HAD 15 pounds of toxins to loose and i only had 7.
see, cranky. =)
other than that, we think we both feel better, more alert/clear, energy, etc. but we also don't know if it's just in our heads. in any event, we did it. step one, ...check. on to step 2.

i think that's all i have for now. thanks for continued prayers.
i have to stop typing now and go put my gloves on or i fear frost bite will set in.
peace out,
k

12.20.08

2008-12-20T15:37:00.002-05:00

flax seed oil. gross.

so we are on day 5 of 7 for the 'detox' nutritional diet that the naturopath recommended. i didn't need to do it with john but holy smokes it s-u-c-k-s so really, who'd want to do it alone? and there are other things that i can't do with him later on (parasite cleanse for example) so for now i'll do with him what i can. overloading on healthy oils and vegetables certainly won't hurt me for a week. it may KILL me, but it won't hurt me. (insert various gagging noises here).

flax oil, grapefruit, water, olive oil, lemon, non-starchy vegetables GALORE, water, apples, avocados, water, sunflower seeds, vegetable juice, herbal tea, dates, water, steel cut oatmeal, grapefruit, balsamic vinegar, did i mention water? oh, and more water.

...that's it. 7 days. that's it.

john's down 10 pounds and i'm down 7; not that weight loss was the goal at all (the goal, remember, was to detox from the badness and increase the goodness via decreasing bad bacteria in the blood and increasing good bacteria) but weight loss has happened. i guess that's to be expected when practically everything you put in your body for a week is water based.

the whole list needed for this year is (in no specific order):
-drink half your body weight in oz of water per day
-no soda at all allowed
-pay attention to eating foods that decrease (not increase or cause) inflammation (aka: pain). note: who the heck even knew that some foods increase inflammation in the joints?
-chew food carefully to assist with proper digestion
-fiber to help with acid reflux (which really has nothing to do with the vasculitis but hey, since we're checking under the hood, might as well kick the tires too)
-coated probiotic with strains in the millions to increase healthy bacteria in the blood
-digestive enzymes taken with meals to help with 'leaky gut'
-milk thistle to help liver
-all organ cleanse to decrease bad bacteria in the blood
-candida (yeast)/fungal cleanse to decrease yeast and fungus in the blood
-parasite/bacterial cleanse to decrease parasites and bacteria in his blood
-chelating for six months to help with malabsorption and decrease chemical/metal markers in his blood (after 6 months he's to move to a whole food plant vit/mineral)
-MSM powder moving up slowly to 8,000 mg daily in divided doses for inflammation and pain
-evening primrose oil and cod liver oil with food to reduce inflammation and boost immune system

i have no idea what order we'll be doing these in. we need to make a plan.
what we do know is we will finish the detox mon so tues we will start eating regularly again, ... well. that's not true. we eat like crap sometimes. we will be eating more healthily on a regular basis. we've agreed to that. we'll see what happens about the timing of the rest. i've ordered it all. it's been delivered. we jsut need a schedule of sorts.

christmas is coming, as is my birthday, new years, john's birthday and isaiah's birthday. it's ample opportunity to feast on the wrong kinds of foods. we need to heighten our awareness.

speaking of christmas, it is not lost on me that despite this terribly f 'd up year we are amazingly blessed. Jesus was born. how groovalicious is that?

now, i'm off to go have my afternoon snack, ... half a cucumber and, say it with me, WATER!
gee, and i'm so stuffed from my lettuce and water lunch i'm not sure how i'll manage.
stromboli anyone?
k
(i know! i know! that was bad. bad kim, bad.)

12.15.08

2008-12-15T13:23:00.004-05:00

so we are back from PA. it's all a bit much to try and wrap my head around and even harder to type. it's not good. but there is hope.

so the woman we saw on saturday is a certified naturopath. our appt was for 90 min but she ended up spending 10 min shy of 3 hours with us. she draws john's blood and then puts it under a microscope. the image is displayed on a tv screen so you can see what she's seeing. overall she was very knowledgable and helped us a lot with the educational and nutritional component that truly should have accompanied john's chemo and steroid treatment but, didn't. such is western medicine. so here we are.

in a nutshell, john has toxic/acidic blood. if you have one marker your blood is technically 'toxic'. the more markers you have, the more toxic it is. john has 6 of 9 posible markers. the more toxic your blood is, the sicker you are/feel/become.

i have to say, watching a parasite swim through your husband's blood sample is not an easy thing to witness. nor, i'm sure, was it easy for him to see. it was like something out of a science fiction movie. one was shaped like a stalk or a snake, one was like an octopus with tenticles, one was like an ameba like blob. they were about 25-50 times the size of the cells.

he has virtually no good bacteria and bad bacteria has taken over. it has created a virtual playground for all things bad. he has, in his blood, yeast, fungus, fat, bacteria, undigested food, parasites, evidence of liver damage, evidence of malabsorption, and heightened levels of chemical/metal. also his cells are called, 'sticky cells' bc they are not round, seperate cells as they should be but rather are all stuck together in what looks like a row of quarters. while some of this may be from lifestyle/poor diet, there's a very high chance that this started (or at least got out of control) with his chemo and steroid treatments.

all of these things in the blood causes him to feel sick, to feel pain in the joints, to have inflammation to the point that it's almost debilitating some days, to be lethargic, and in essence, to stay sick from the vasculitis. now, that's not to say that addresing this will cure the vasculitis, no. but it should, over time (like, 6 months to a year), make him feel fewer symptoms of the disease and be able to live a life with less chronic pain. addressing all this will also boost his immune system.

again, trying to nutshell, the goal of the chemo was to kill the white blood cells which were wrongfully attacking john's blood vessels. it did that. it also, however, killed most of the healthy bacteria in his blood. this created ideal conditions for everything else, like dominos, to go wrong.

too much bad bacteria: while on the chemo john should hav been taking a probiotic vitamin with "strains in the 6 billions range" (whatever that means). it would have kept up his good bacteria levels, ... but no one told us.

parasites: she said that anyone can get a parasite. you can get them from digging in your flower bed, walking on the grass or wet sand, and some are airborne, for instance. a healthy person, however, has high levels of good bacteria so there's not much of a comfortable living environement for the parasite so the person does not get sick. the parasite eventually dies or just sort of hangs out and does minimal damage. john's body, having virtually no good bacteria, was a rich environment for the parasites to flourish, grow, multiply. additionally, with john's less than perfect diet, many of the foods he was eating (sugar, white flour) actually feed the parasites, thus making him crave those foods even more. like a terrible cycle.

malabsorption and undigestged food in his blood: this is caused by a condition called 'leaky gut'. it's when the lining of the small intestine gets too porous and food leaks out before being digestged. this is of course super for feeding the parasites, not so super for feeding john.

high levels of chemicals/metals: she said that this can be caused from things as far back as the type of pots and pans john's mother cooked his food in as a child (cast iron metal for example) or could be caused by the cleaning supplies that john breaths in; but most likely she thinks its from the chemo. once his blood dried, it dried a dark grey metal color. ugh. this indicates toxic levels of chemicals/metal.

fat: she never really talked about the fat we saw. i'll assume it's diet but who knows. it was like information overload so i didn't think to ask.

yeast/fungus ("candida"): she never really got to how this got there or why but she kept mentioning that "candida is in your blood in fairly high doses" and kept mentioning that he needed to cleanse that out.

"sticky cells": can be caused by dehydration. she's telling john to drink one half of his body weight in ounces each day. it can also be caused from extended illness. (duh)

liver damage: she thinks this is primarily from diet. she explained that certain foods are acidic and others are alkyline (opposite of acid). when you eat non alkyline food (sugar, white flour) it makes your blood too acidic so the liver has to work hard to create ammonia which neutralizes the acid or, as she puts it, "you'd drop dead". john's liver was most likely compromised by the meds and now that he (and his parasites) are eating non alkyline foods his blood is too acidic causing his already taxed liver to ovesecrete ammonia. she was able to see the liver damage in the blood by these long, black, silk looking lines in the blood (like a spider web drawn in coal).

so, this was a lot of bad. she said "your blood is very on the toxic side", "your blood is on the dark side", "your blood is on the bad side". you could tell she was couching it and didn't want to freak us out. i told her, "i try to be glass half full, i need good news. what do you see when you look at his blood that is good? what does he have going for him?". she struggled and then said something vague about "good connectivity". i asked what that meant and she said, "he has good connectivity". uuuhhhh. ok. about an hour later i asked the same question. i got the same pensive answer.

in a hocus pocus kind of way the appt was interesting. she knew john had fungus on his toe just by looking at his blood. she knew john had had surgery in the past just by looking at his cells. she said that cells have "memory".

so, what now? she gave us a list too long to type that john has to do. i am going to do most of it with him bc life changes of this sort are hard enough w/o having to do it alone.
-detox diet, fiber, probiotic, digestive enzymes, milk thislte, all organ cleanse, candida/fungal cleanse, parasite/bacterial cleanse, chelating, olive leaf extract, whole plant vitamin/minerals, increased water intake, eating fewer starchy foods, more alkyline foods, and fewer foods that cause inflammation (who the heck knew that there were foods that caused inflammation? not me). this will all take about 6 months to a year. it has to be done in steps over time. some of the steps you can do at the same time, others can only be done when a different step has already been completed. she said that there were other things she wanted to recommend but not being familiar with vasculitis and john's course of treatment (besides what we told her) she didn't feel comfortable doing that until she put it in a report and sent it to a doctor. i don't suspect john's internal doc will take any of this seriously (he's a very very nice guy but pretty much scratches his head and says, "humph. you're a-typical. i have no idea. good luck. see you in 2-3 months". i can only take so much of that. i do suspect that john's chiropractor will take it seriously as he is currently furthering his education to include wholistic methods in his practice.

she said that we can call with any questions and that we should come back in about 12 months. she keeps his slide and notes and will compare it with how he looks then. "we should see improvement in your blood by then if you take these steps and you should know there's been improvement b/c you should start feeling a bit better". music to my ears. again, to be clear, not that this will cure the vasculitis, but it will perhaps control the pain associated with it; and he is in a LOT of pain all day every day so praying that this helps.

so, that is that. it seems that we will be drinking water until we float away and eating things like flax seed and artichoke and steel cut oatmeal for a while.
yumm-o! bring it on!
k

12.09.08

2008-12-09T18:32:00.002-05:00

we are off to PA this weekend to see the doctor with the equipment necessary to do the "live analysis" of john's blood. he cannot eat after 11pm on friday and his appt is not until 3pm on sat (we are very blessed that she is agreeing to see us on a weekend). we will stay with his sister (the one we were just at for thanksgiving, ...a 4 hour drive) and then head back sat night after the appointment.

do i hold out hope? i try. i do. i just don't know what to expect of this. it's somewhat nontraditional in that (ironically) it's one of the most traditional (aka: old) tests that can be run on a person's blood but it's so old that modern technology usually skips right over it and doesn't bother with it; but it may show us something that all the new technology missed. she seems to be a more wholistic doctor. or something. i just don't know.

we shall see...
k

11.5.08

2008-12-05T15:18:00.002-05:00

he day before yesterday john found a small open sore (sort of 2 that had merged into 1) on his leg.

...that can't be good.
k

12.2.08

2008-12-02T16:51:00.002-05:00

the old symptoms are continuing to slowly creep back into our lives since ending the meds. another new spot on his leg that looks concerning and is the first one in many months that he says "burns" (that's how this all started); though the spot looks more like yesterday's new one on his wrist than any of he spots he got last winter. who knows.

last winter, ... a life time ago it seems.
k

12.1.08

2008-12-01T18:00:00.003-05:00

we're back from john's sister's house in PA for the holidays. while there, john went to see a different doc in hopes of maybe some new info. no such luck. the appt only led to yet another referral to yet another doc for a blood test that may have already been done (a "live analysis" that takes about 90 minutes, i believe). honestly, with the number of tests he's had completed in '08, who the heck knows if he's already had this kind. we'll call his regular doc this week and find out. it sounds too simple to not have been done but who knows; sometimes the simpliest things are the ones overlooked. so, we'll check, and i'll keep ya posted.

john seems to be getting a bit worse. his pain is now in e-v-e-r-y joint instead of floating from here to there one or two at a time. his shoulders, elbows, wrists, fingers, hips, knees, ankles, ... all at once. good grief. such pain, so constant, so young. but on an up side there have been no new vasculitis spots on his legs since ceasing the meds. (there was, however, a mysterious splotch that appeared on his wrist yesterday that we're not sure what to make of. it's still there today. he says it doesn't hurt or itch and it doesn't seem to be spreading, ... but it's a definite dark red, irregularly shaped, splotch. who knows.)

and the beat goes on...
k

11.28.08

2008-11-28T08:27:00.002-05:00

one week off the meds. so far, mostly so good. it's not that he's better, but he's not worse either. his body seems to be trying to figure it out.

happy thanksgiving indeed.
k